


Hallelujah

by L1av



Category: Dream Daddy: A Dad Dating Simulator
Genre: Adultery, Aftercare, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Anal Sex, Angst, Blow Jobs, Bottom Joseph Christiansen, Come Eating, Complex characterization, Depressed Joseph Christiansen, Depressed Robert Small, Depression, Dirty Talk, Dom Joseph Christiansen, Dubious Morality, Facials, Falling In Love, Hand Jobs, Hurt/Comfort, Joseph is a good person, Light Dom/sub, M/M, Past Abuse, Past Child Abuse, Past Religious Extremism, Past Religious Misogyny, People are just complicated, Pet Names, Recovery, Rimming, Rope Bondage, Sexting, Shibari, Subspace, Top Robert Small, sub Robert Small, unprotected sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-30
Updated: 2017-08-07
Packaged: 2018-12-08 17:44:46
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 40,554
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11651550
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/L1av/pseuds/L1av
Summary: Mary gives Robert permission to test Joseph's renewed sense of loyalty to her. When things go exactly the way Mary and Robert expected, there's one snag in the plan. Robert fell in love.Well. Shit.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! Welcome to my first fic that doesn't feature Captain America and his band of dorks since 2015! Wow! Big thanks to [inediblesushi](http://inediblesushi.tumblr.com/) for being my inspiration for this and for cheering me on. It's meant a lot! <3
> 
> Anyway, if I've not tagged something that actually merits a tag, and not just a general warning, please let me know! Otherwise, enjoy! Part two (the final part) will be posted next week!
> 
>  **General warning:** This fic will mention conversion therapy and lobotomies. It is mentioned in a single paragraph and then never again. If this will trigger you, please do not read.
> 
> This fic is NOT beta'd. There may be typos.

Every time Robert heard the song _Hallelujah_ a part of him cringed inside. He gripped his cup, the ice clinking against the glass. Whisky didn’t burn his throat like it used to. Decades of throwing it back had seared off his taste buds to where only hot sauce and a lot of sugar could make him taste anything. But _that song_ had a way of burning him each and every time. It crept beneath his fingernails, ensnared his ear drums. He could see the notes wafting behind his eyes. Robert wiped his nose on his sleeve, looking around the room to make sure no one paid a lick of attention to him.

_Why’s this song so long?_

Robert relaxed when he saw the door to Jim N Kim’s open. He expected his friend, Mary. What he didn’t expect—was her husband.

Robert grit his teeth, staring at his whiskey as if life depended on it. He didn’t dare look up. He heard the footfalls coming closer. His muscles clenched, his breath quickened. He clutched his whiskey so tight that his forearm shook. Of all the swine in town, _he_ had to be the one to come in right as _Hallelujah_ ended. The fucking irony wasn’t lost on Robert. _The cool youth minister._ Robert wanted to roll his eyes.

“Hey,” Joseph said.

Robert didn’t answer. He brought his cup to his lips, nursing the amber liquid down. He set the glass back down, smacked his lips and looked out the window. It had started raining.

“Can we talk? Please?”

“No.” Robert’s voice was gravel slick with gasoline and ready to ignite anyone who got too close. He sucked back a gulp of his whiskey this time, wincing when he found himself an empty glass.

“Let me get you another.”

“I said— _no_.”

Joseph tightened the sweater around his shoulders. He slipped into the booth without Robert’s permission and placed his hands on the table. “I know you’re angry. I’m—I can’t even—”

“Mary is my _friend_. Get the fuck out of my face.”

“I _know_ that!” Joseph reached out, grabbing Robert’s wrist.

Robert trembled beneath his skin. Joseph’s hand was soft, warm and _there_ against him again. It was enough to bring back memories that Robert didn’t want to have. Olive skin pressed to white, open-mouth dirty kisses, gasps and marks that stayed for a week after.

“I’m very—grateful—that Mary has you.” The words were timid. Each one Joseph thought with too much care about. Robert’s never been one to craft a sentence before he spoke. What was the purpose of saying something one didn’t truly mean? He preferred blunt honesty when it came to shit like this.

“Let. Go.” Robert looked Joseph’s way. His heart squeezed, twisting in his chest. It’d been one night, fast, sloppy and without regard between them—but it meant something. Robert spent days dwelling on it after. He lived by a code most would call hypocritical. He fucked people to figure them out. He’d figured out Joseph the second his wallet fell from his pocket and a picture of a family tumbled out. _A wife._

Robert sniffed, biting the inside of his cheek to keep from losing the glare in his eyes. He wanted Joseph to regret each and every moment he betrayed a woman like Mary. Mary flirted, she played with men, she suggested things but she never _acted_ on them. That’s what separated her from Joseph. Any cute guy that caught Joseph’s fancy, and it was a swift trip to the yacht with some vision of grandeur and a promise to run away and start anew. Joseph was a sack of lies, stuffed to the gills with more secrets than the CIA. Robert didn’t trust him, and he certainly wasn’t going to _listen_ to his shit either.

Robert got up, knocking his whiskey glass on the table as he did. He grabbed his leather jacket and swung it on. Joseph sat at the table, his face pale, his eyes dull. He stared ahead, fingers pressed to the table. His two front teeth barely held his bottom lip in place and it was almost too much for Robert to bear. He groaned, ripping away from the scene and out into the rain.

He trudged down the street, pissed he couldn’t light up a cigarette and pissed he was getting his leather jacket ruined. He walked all the way to the cul-de-sac, up his driveway and into his house. When he got inside, he dried off, smoked, and hated himself—and not necessarily in that order.

Finding out Robert had slept with a married man put a stain on Robert’s soul he wasn’t sure he could get rid of. He believed in God too, asked for forgiveness every day. Joseph said God forgave all sins but _Joseph_ was a fucking cheater so his word didn’t count. Begging Mary for forgiveness had been one of the hardest things Robert had ever done.

_“I didn’t know—I’m so sorry, I didn’t know!”_

The look she sported that night wasn’t even one of surprise. She’d shrugged, grabbed another glass of wine and talked to Robert as if they could be friends. They _became_ friends over their mutual distrust of Joseph. She was still married to him. And that’s what pissed Robert off so much. Mary was a beautiful woman, wronged by the man she’d said her wedding vows to. Yet instead of leaving him, she stayed. She was never quite straightforward when Robert asked why she did, but it was clear enough. She still loved Joseph, even after the way he treated her.

Robert slipped over a few bottles, reaching out to grab his stereo to keep from falling. He brought down a speaker with him, hitting his shoulder on the carpeted floor. He stared at the odd angle of his house, seeing the furniture upside down. Drunk and left to his own devices was never a good thing, and yet he did it every single night. Day too.

Robert decided that right there was a perfect enough place to sleep.

* * *

“It’s a cookout, not a funeral!” Hugo said. He nibbled on a few grapes that he’d probably brought over along with the other groceries he’d decided to drop off for Robert. Whether it was in Hugo’s blood or just because he was a teacher, the man made sure everyone had something healthy to eat when he could. He kept Robert’s fridge stocked with fruit and vegetables, even cleaning out the ones that Robert left to rot because whisky was a perfectly fine lunch—and dinner. Sue him.

“You don’t have to speak to Joseph. Just eat his food.”

“I don’t want to be around his kids or his grill.”

“His kids are good kids—weird—but good. And his grill’s never done anything but cook delicious food?”

“His kids stare with those _eyes_ and I swear they know what their father does.” Robert tried to stretch out his shoulder, but he winced, regretting whatever thought behooved him to sleep on the floor last night. His whole body ached. Hugo came over with a glass of water and a few pain killers. Robert swallowed them down dry, glaring. “Whisky, not water.”

“Water.” Hugo shoved the glass into Robert’s hand. Robert took it, glaring as he brought it up to his lips. He gulped it down, unaware of how thirsty he really was. They said alcohol dehydrated you. Robert just didn’t believe it.

“Mary’ll be there.” Hugo smirked, his eyes glinting behind his thick-framed glasses. He crossed his arms, knowing he had Robert pinned. Of course he did, because Robert may be many shitty things, but he’d been one positive thing to someone in the world— a friend of Mary and he owed her for what he’d hastily done with Joseph.

“Fine.”

“Great!” Hugo clapped, smiling wide with rose dusting his dark cheeks.

Robert tilted his head to the side, watching the way Hugo’s mustache seemed to dance along the man’s face. He smirked, setting the empty water glass down. “Okay, so—cookout.”

“You can drink heavily while you’re there.”

“Sold, Teach. Sold.”

* * *

The cookout was exactly what Robert expected. Children laughed too loudly for his hangover. Dads huddled in groups and bragged about their respective children and all their accomplishments. Robert rolled his eyes. He’d never had anyone to engage in a little dad competition about his daughter. And even if he did, he didn’t exactly earn bragging rights for being so distant in her upbringing. The bottle was his babe, and that wasn’t something he seemed to be able to shake, no matter the many nights he sat over the porcelain throne and declared _never again_.

A glass was pressed into Robert’s hand. He looked down, smirking at the whiskey. He turned to face his savior and almost dropped the drink. Joseph stood there, his hand still on the glass so their fingers barely touched. He looked into Robert’s eyes in a way that made Robert want to forgive him. And that’s exactly why Robert, for the first time in decades, let a full glass of whisky go crashing to the ground. It shattered with a thud over the grass, whisky spilling into the yard.

“Oh.” Joseph looked down, biting his lip in the most obnoxious way—because it was a way that made Robert’s stomach flutter and his cheeks flush. “I thought you had it.”

“Easy there, fella!” Brian said, coming to clap Robert on the back. His red hair cast the sun off it and his sheer size made Robert feel small. Robert growled, but Brian laughed it off, unaffected. Of course.

Robert looked around the party. He knew what everyone was thinking. Not one of them knew the story between him and Joseph except Hugo. The rest saw a drunk who’d spilled his glass. Hugo was the only one with a pinched brow and a pout to his lips.

“I’ll—get you another glass,” Joseph said, “accidents happen.”

Robert didn’t say anything back. He just glared, because what else could he do? The party was fixated on him and they’d already judged him for what happened. They didn’t know the real story. The man who smiled, played billiards with everyone’s fucking grandpa was the very man that cheated on his wife habitually.

Robert met Mary’s gaze and shame filled him so deep that he couldn’t breathe. He adjusted his shirt collar, and pushed up his sunglasses. The sun did nothing for the hangover either. He’d had enough of this cookout.

“Hey, where ya headin?” Mat asked. Robert liked his dreds. Actually, Robert liked Mat a heck of a whole lot. Just not when Mat’s on the side everyone else is on. The side of judging Robert without knowing the full story.

“Outta here,” Robert growled back. He nearly knocked into Carmensita, Mat’s daughter, but he made a last second recovery before he made even more of a fool of himself. He looked back one more to see Hugo, shoulders deflated and face sullen.

_Sorry, buddy._

Robert was almost inside his house when someone grabbed him by the wrist. He flattened out his hand, turning and smacking the person away. The crack of skin on skin echoed around them. Flushed, Joseph winced, grinding his teeth. Robert’s eyes widened.

“Is this really how it’s gonna be? Forever?”

“Fuck off.” Robert turned to his door, pulling out his keys.

“Would you even _listen_ to me? Just for five minutes? Please?”

Robert turned, leaning on the doorframe. Fine, he’d listen but it’d go in one ear and out the other side. He stuck to his code. It didn’t make sense to most, but it made sense to him and Joseph wasn’t a man who respected codes like Robert’s. Loyalty actually mattered to Robert. It clearly didn’t to Joseph.

“Do I have to say it all here? On the front porch?”

“Tick-tock.”

Joseph bit his lip again. He winced, nodding. “Okay. Okay, please just, just listen.”

Robert cocked a brow.

“I love my wife—”

“I changed my mind.” Robert turned to the door, pushing the key in and turning the lock.

“Wait, please!” Joseph rushed in after Robert, his face more animated and his clothes more in a disarray than Robert had ever seen him. His khakis were scuffed with grass stains, his shirt untucked half way. His face was flushed red and his _eyes_. Fuck, Robert didn’t need to look into those eyes to see the desperation there. Robert knew his own could mirror that if he let himself off his own leash too far.

“I know I don’t deserve forgiveness. What I did—was—inexcusable. But I need you to hear me.”

“Why? What the shit do I owe you?”

“It’s not about what you owe me, Robert,” Joseph’s gaze searched Robert’s, their bodies becoming noticeably closer, “it’s about what I owe you.”

Robert swallowed roughly. He wished he’d accepted that whiskey. He was too sober for this shit.

“I lied to you. We were friends and—I took advantage of that. You trusted me and I—lied.”

Robert stayed silent.

“I don’t seek forgiveness, Robert. I just—you know what our marriage is. Mary isn’t happy. I’m not—happy. I just wanted something—that—made me—” Joseph struggled to speak. He clutched his throat, his eyes shimmering with tears. Robert didn’t know what high horse he’d found to stand on, but he became mighty aware that he’d been on one.

“Happy,” Robert finished for Joseph. “You wanted somethin’ that made you happy.”

Joseph nodded, wiping at his eyes. “You made me—incredibly happy.”

“And what would you have done with that, Joe? Go back to your wife, kiss her and your kids and then see me on the weekends? What kind of horseshit is that?”

“No! I—no.” Joseph untied the sweater from around his shoulders. “Do you honestly think I use this because it’s fashionable? Or cause I’ll get cold?”

Robert stared at the sweater. He knew damn well where Joseph had gotten it. _Him._

“It—doesn’t smell like you anymore but—I can’t bring myself to let it go.”

“You _cheated_ on your wife, Joseph. You don’t get to play the sympathy card with me.”

“And I’m not trying to. My transgressions are with me and the Man upstairs. I told you I’m not asking for forgiveness. I miss my friend.”

Robert liked the silence, usually. Now it hung over them like a gray sky. Robert half expected it to rain in his living room. He turned to his wet bar, fixing up two drinks. This wasn’t _over_. Not by a long shot. But Robert did better with alcohol in him and Joseph looked like he was going to burst. It was a kindness, one that Joseph didn’t deserve, but Robert gave it away. He wasn’t a good man. Why should he take the moral high ground with Joseph?

“I know I betrayed you, I know I betrayed Mary. Our marriage wasn’t—it wasn’t built on love. More built on expectation.”

Robert handed a glass to Joseph and then went to sit on his couch. He watched from hooded eyes the way Joseph scratched his nose, bit those damn lips. He saw the way the man swayed on his weight. Nervousness radiated like heat from a campfire. Robert could feel his own pulse quickening.

“What do you want, Joe?” Robert hated when people shortened his name, and yet Joseph’s allowance of him to shorten his made Robert’s stomach warm. He was such a hypocritical ass.

“Friendship or a truce. Just something. I’d like you in my life again.”

“I am in your life.”

“I meant as people who’ll smile at the grocery and hang out on the weekends.”

“I don’t go grocery shopping.” Robert smirked.

“No. I suppose you don’t.” Joseph let a tentative smile play at his lips. He gripped the blue sweater around his shoulders, nodding softly. “Truce?”

“Sure. Whatever.”

Joseph left, all smiles and relaxed posture. Robert got up from the couch only to grab the bottle of whiskey and down as much as he could before his eyes burned. Joseph wanted a truce. Robert wanted _Joseph_. And that, was the damn problem.

* * *

“That piece of shit.” Mary traced the lip of her glass with her French manicured nails. Her hair was rumpled, her cross on crooked. Robert didn’t care. He liked it when she got a little pissed and a little drunk. It was good for her soul. “Thinks he can come into your life after what he did to us? Fuck that!” She guzzled down her wine, burping unceremoniously.

Robert couldn’t help but smile.

“I’ve popped out all those _kids_ for him and he thinks he can just—just!” Her eyes watered up, face draining of anger and replaced in a blue sadness. Her lip quivered and then she hunched over the table, hiding her face.

Robert scooted out of his side of the booth and into Mary’s. He held her, letting her curl into his arms and smear snot on his jacket. He could always wipe it off later. Right now, she needed this.

“I don’t know what I did wrong,” she whispered.

“I don’t’ think it’s anything you did,” Robert said. “I think it’s all him.”

“For a man who thinks the bible is law, he sure does bend his own rules.” Mary pulled away, wiping her eyes. She pulled out a compact to check her makeup and reapplied her lipstick. Once finished, she smiled, though her eyes were full of sadness. “One of these days I’m gonna do it. I’ll pick up some boy and bring him home with me. I swear it.”

Robert nodded. He didn’t believe her, but he wished she would. “You deserve better. More.”

“I don’t think it’s about what we deserve and what we don’t, Robert. I’m not a saint either. I’ve done plenty to upset God.”

“So’s any human.”

Mary smirked.

“Drink up, Mary. I’ll walk you home tonight.”

And so she did. Glass after glass. And while she bemoaned and cursed her husband, Robert sat there thinking about the dimples in his cheeks when he smiled or the way his blond bangs got in his face when it was too windy. He thought of thighs wrapped around his body, warmth engulfing him.

_Oh no._

Robert looked down, biting the inside of his cheek. He’d almost given himself a stiffy. He bit down harder, drawing blood. It was enough to pull the focus away from Joseph and into the present.

“You’re going to see him right?”

Robert’s eyes flared wide.

Mary sat there, flushed cheeks and pointing at him with a smirk. “Hang out with him. See how long it takes for him to get back to his old antics. That bastard and his stupid _Margarita Zone_.”

“You—you want—” Robert’s mouth was dry.

“Of course I want you to! I want him to try and I want to be able to hold it over his head. I mean—you—of all people. He knows what you mean to me.”

Robert’s expression softened. Mary never said she cared about Robert and she certainly never hugged. It was between the lines though that Robert saw how much Mary trusted him. And this, this was big.

“You’ll have to report to me on everything. I wanna know _everything_ that dirty lying sack of shit tries to do to you. Maybe we can even arrange for me to stumble in while he’s trying to seduce you. Imagine that. He’d really have to make it up to me. Maybe even buy me some new diamonds.” Mary rolled her eyes. “I can hear him now though. ‘We’re supposed to live piously, Mary’!” She snorted. “We have one of the biggest houses on the fucking block.”

“We’ll get you those diamonds, Mary.” They clink their glasses together and it’s down the hatch. Robert felt his head swim with alcohol.

He couldn’t deny the tingle of warmth on his skin though. He’d lie and reason with himself all he wanted about Joseph, but Mary’s little _game_ gave him the excuse to be the bastard he always thought he was.

He longed to feel Joseph’s lips on his again.

* * *

Robert stood at the door to Joseph and Mary’s house, tapping his sunglasses on his lips and wondering if he should knock or ring the doorbell. He knew Mary wasn’t home as she was out at some Christian Mom event. Robert was glad she had other friends. He knew he wasn’t the healthiest friend to have.

The door opened before Robert could make an executive decision on the doorbell or knocking. Chris stood there, his dull eyes staring up at Robert. Robert just breezed by the kid and said nothing to him. He didn’t need Chris to like him. The twins were nowhere to be found.

Robert relaxed a little as he watched Chris move over to the TV. He slumped down and pulled the blanket back over him. He, like Robert, didn’t care about small talk.

Robert looked at all the books on the shelves and the big couch that Chris was on. The house was beautifully decorated. Though Robert couldn’t decide if it was because of Mary or Joseph.

“Oh! I didn’t know you were here yet!” Joseph came over, untying an apron that accentuated how tiny his waist was despite the expanse of his shoulders. Robert stiffened, biting the tip of his tongue. He let Joseph give him a hug, though his return was awkward and one-handed.

“I’m baking a cake for the cake auction at the church. Sorry if I smell like icing.”

Robert resisted the urge to say how he liked that Joseph smelled like icing. He looked to Chris, watching for any recognition in the kid’s eyes, but he just kept looking straight ahead at the TV.

“Chris, what’d I say about this kind of TV?” Joseph picked the remote up and switched it to another channel. “It’ll rot your brain out.”

Chris grumbled something under his breath but he was smart enough to probably just wait till Joseph left the room before he’d change it back. That’s what Robert would have done anyway. Robert had seen Joseph’s book collection on the yacht though. That shit was porn and he was criticizing his child for watching a show about monster trucks? Hypocrisy in its purest form.

The pair walked into the kitchen. The cake was already laid out and iced up. Joseph dropped the apron over one of the chairs at the breakfast nook and went over to the island to finish up the cake. He grabbed a tube and stared down at it.

“I need it to have some kind of design on it.”

“Just—do what the supermarkets do with the little outline and call it a day.” Robert leaned on the island, staring at the white cake. He didn’t come here to bake cakes and talk about kids. He came here to figure out how long it would take for Joseph to try to take Robert’s clothes off.

 _For Mary._ Boy was he a shit liar, even to himself.

“I want it to be special.” Joseph traced a fingernail along his pretty pink lips. It was enough to get Robert’s blood pumping. He took his leather jacket off, also putting it over one of the chairs at the breakfast nook. He kept his distance from Joseph though. The kids were all over this house and the last thing Robert wanted was to look up from fucking into Joseph to see the twins staring at them.

“Would you help? You don’t have to decorate it. I just need someone to get these tubes open. My hands are still a little buttery.”

“Buttery?” Robert could feel his dick hardening. He looked to Joseph’s fingers, repressing the urge to suck them into his mouth.

“Oh—you don’t really bake. I’ll get them eventually.”

“I can do it.” Robert grabbed one of the tubes, twisting pointedly.

“Wait! Not like that. This.” Joseph came closer, standing a little _too_ close. His fingers guided Robert’s and once the tube was opened, their gazes locked. Robert’s lips slowly turned to a shy smile and Robert was sure he looked like an idiot who couldn’t form a single word. Their fingers touched and Robert finally understood what _buttery_ meant. Joseph’s fingers were slick with either vegetable oil or some kind of baking _thing_. Robert’s gaze dipped to Joseph’s lips and back to his eyes.

Joseph didn’t move away.

“Your—cake.”

“Right.” Joseph moved away, taking all the air and heat with him. Robert was left cold, standing with a tube of icing in his hands as Joseph did his best to wash off at the sink. Robert looked to the cake and then over to Joseph again. The cake, the house, the children. All of it was a front, and Robert wanted to know why. Why would Joseph look at his house, his wife, and his children and think this was somehow not _good_ enough? He had _everything_. He was well-liked, respected, talented, handsome, kind—what made him turn to infidelity and sometimes look so sad it could make Robert want to cry?

“I’ll take that now.” Joseph grabbed the icing tube from Robert and went about making some kind of little design on the cake. Once finished, he moved the cake off its pan and onto the glass cake stand on the corner counter. He admired it for a second before turning to Robert. “Wanna go out? We could go up to the spot?”

“The spot?”

“Your spot,” Joseph looked down, “if that’s okay.”

Robert felt anger burn his heart. Already Joseph was prepared to cheat on his wife, after that whole song and dance about _a truce_ and _owing_ something to Robert. Fuck this guy, really. Robert wasn’t a good dad, or even a good man, but he was _loyal._ And that counted for something.

“Sure.” Robert grabbed his leather jacket and slung it over his shoulder. “You drive or me?”

“Would you mind? I don’t have much gas left and I’ve gotta take the twins to soccer in the morning.”

Robert nodded, wondering if once he gets Joseph’s lips around his dick, if he’ll even have the decency to think about what kind of woman Joseph’s turned Mary into.

* * *

The bay looked nice in the sunset. It was  lit up with pinks, oranges and blues. The boats looked like tiny little marshmallows on a Monet painting down there. All just floating. The lights from the city glowed bright, and the stars weren’t easy to see, but they’re there. They were in the bed of Robert’s truck. Two men sitting shoulder to shoulder. Robert had his arms crossed and Joseph had his in his lap. He was picking at a cuticle or something.

Robert’s really never known what a cuticle was, but some nice lady told him his were surprisingly great once.

“It’s nice up here. Thank you—for driving.”

“Sure.”

“Robert, I—I know things aren’t better between us. But—it means a lot that you’re here with me.”

“Why do you do it?” Robert asked. He saw the way Joseph’s head snapped to attention. “Why do you cheat?”

Joseph was silent for awhile. They heard the trees whisper to each other when the wind came carrying memories from all over Maple Bay. There were a few honked horns from down below in the city. Other than that and the grasshoppers, and the world wasn’t quiet, but it was quiet enough that Robert could notice how long Joseph didn’t speak.

“When I was eleven, I had my first crush.” Joseph smiled. “I would—cut out magazines with him in it. Glue all the photos to cardboard and hide it under my mattress. I grew up listening to my father preach. I knew what he had to say about the thoughts I had. I wasn’t—afraid—really. God’s loving, so He wouldn’t hate me. I just—knew that. So it wasn’t God that I was hiding my crush away from.”

“It was your dad.”

Joseph nodded. “My mom was changing the bedsheets one afternoon and instead of just throwing away my little secret, she brought it right to my dad. He beat me blue that night and told me I was a sinner. ‘But God loves all his children.’ I remember being so—adamant about that. He told me that God hates the sin in me and would never accept me if I stayed that way. So naturally, I was put in secret therapy sessions and mysteriously whisked away to a summer camp.”

“Oh. Yikes.” Robert remembered those _summer camps_. He was never threatened or taunted with it, his family had other worries beyond the sexuality of their child. His father was a drunk who didn’t remember his name half the time and his mother worked five jobs. Everyone assumed Robert was straight and when Robert met his wife, he did too. He’d never given it much thought, as his family never did either.

“I have a lot of parents who think being gay is a sin. I try to—preach about love, but it’s so hard when people are more afraid than they are loving. My father lived by fear. He made me live by fear.” Joseph picked at a rust spot on the truck. “I was subjected to a lot of terrible things at that camp. They claimed they could cure you but what they did was show you enough pictures of dead gay men and talk about how they deserved to die that you fear it’ll end up happening to you. So you lie and you lie until you start believing it yourself. I had to remember how to love people for all their differences after that. It took me years. I married a woman because if I didn’t, my father said he’d resort to more extreme measures than a summer camp. I think he always knew I was never _cured_. He had a way of always knowing what a person was hiding.”

Robert didn’t notice when he began holding Joseph’s hand. But when he looked down and saw their fingers intertwined, he didn’t pull back.

“Well, because of that camp, I saw lobotomies and electroshock therapy when someone was ‘unsavable’ and I didn’t want that to happen to me. So I married a beautiful woman who loved Jesus as much as I did. And I do love her. She, like me, is from a family that used fear to further their religion. We were fast friends and that did mean I loved her. But I love her in the way that a best friend loves their best friend. I had enough children to appease my parents and—Mary—I don’t know. I don’t know what made her stay after she figured it all out.” Joseph leaned back, looking up at the sky. In the moonlight, Robert saw Joseph’s eyes were glassy with unshed tears. Robert didn’t want to forgive Joseph, but he found his resolve crumbling fast.

“It started with little things. She found magazines I couldn’t explain away. She caught me staring at other men’s butts. She even—ha—she even joked about it once. She leaned over and asked me what I thought of some guy down at the dock and when I gave her my answer—she wasn’t happy anymore. She started flirting with men with the intent to upset me and I thought it was a great idea, to let her find someone else. But she’s—never.”

“She’s always been faithful to you,” Robert said.

“I know. I wanted to be faithful to her too but there’s always been something that she couldn’t give me. I’m—I’m gay. I’m gay and I know every time I look at her that I’m the worst person in the world. Every time I smile for a family photo and I see her smile, I know how fake it is. I know how fake _mine_ is.”

“Why don’t you just get a divorce?”

“Because marriage is meant to be forever.”

“But you’re both not _happy_.”

“Our chil—”

“Will undoubtedly have five million other reasons to be fucked up. You two splitting won’t even make a dent.”

“I can’t.”

Robert wanted to hit something. He clenched his fists, feeling his knuckles crack from the pressure. He whirled to face Joseph, grabbing the man’s shoulders. He pulled Joseph close, smashing their lips together. Joseph gasped into the kiss—if that’s what it could’ve even been called—but then his lips were enveloping Robert’s. His fingers crept up to brush against Robert’s stubble. His tongue flicked out and it pulled a moan from Robert’s belly. They each pulled away, panting and staring at each other.

“How’d that make you feel?” Robert asked.

Joseph’s eyes filled with tears. “Happy.”

Robert hated himself. “Me too.”

“I wasn’t going to do this,” Joseph said. “I promised myself I wouldn’t take advantage of you again.”

“I’m the one who asked you to fuck, remember?”

Joseph winced.

“Sorry, I mean—to screw.”

Joseph’s laugh was sweet, soft and almost drowned out by the grasshoppers around them. He sat up, pushing his back against the truck. “I want to be a better person, sometimes.”

Robert cocked a brow.

“I work so hard to make people like me until I’m nothing who I really am. I’m—selfish. Easily bored and I _hate_ grilling.”

“Wow. This is deep shit. Grilling.”

Joseph playfully nudged into Robert with his shoulder. “Hush, I’m confessing my sins. There’s a list of them. We may be here for awhile.”

Robert smiled. “I ain’t got nothing but time, Joseph. Though I’m getting sober and that’s makin’ me itch.” Robert rolled over to the lip of the bed and went back to the truck’s cabin. He pulled out a flask that he kept stashed for emergency purposes and hops back into the bed. Joseph watched him, one hand up to hold his head. He smiled and it was enough to pull color into Robert’s olive complexion. Technically, Robert wasn’t doing anything wrong. Mary gave her blessing on the condition that Robert reported back. Part of Robert wondered if he could somehow fix them. Get them to either realize they were happier apart or find a way to make them not hate each other. Mary didn’t deserve to be hated. But Joseph didn’t deserve to be stuck in a loveless marriage either out of obligation.

 _Christ_. Obligation. Robert had been running from that all his life. Joseph had valiantly at least tried to tame that beast. Robert couldn’t fault him for messing up.

“I bake because it makes me forget that I hate everything about what I am. We’re—well—I don’t wanna insult you.”

“We’re what?”

“Similar. We’ve made mistakes and some we can fix and some we can’t. You at least aren’t afraid to hide who you are. I admire that. I think that’s why I like you so much. You’re what I wish I could be.”

Robert groaned. “I smell like whisky. I shower maybe once a week. Maybe. My kitchen has paper plates because fuck real ones. My daughter doesn’t even know me. I’m a piece of shit.”

“So am I.” Joseph looked up into Robert’s eyes. “But I don’t have the guts to show the world that I’m a terrible person. You, however, are not a terrible person. You just pretend to be.”

“Fuck off. I’m abhorrent.”

“No. You like to think you are. You really are a good man.”

Robert furrowed his brow and pouted. Joseph was shit at reading people. Robert was a drunk, no better than his own dad. He knew himself. He was the kind of person to tell his best friend that he’d report to her about her cheating husband all the while having feelings for said cheating husband. He was the kind of man who wished he was kissing Joseph on the bed of his truck and maybe feeling him up a bit because the scenery around them was pretty enough and Joseph deserved to be fondled in a way that made him feel good.

Jesus. Forgive him.

“You look really good in this light,” Robert said.

Joseph’s eyes widened for a moment. Then he relaxed, a smile ghosting at his lips. He scooted closer to Robert and wrapped his arm in Robert’s, lacing their fingers together. He leaned his head on Robert’s shoulder and sighed out what sounded like the most wishful thinking sigh in history. Robert wanted to hate Joseph. But he couldn’t. Not anymore. So Robert rested his head on Joseph’s, wishing he could light up a cigarette and knowing Joseph hated smoking.

“I told you that you were good,” Joseph whispered, “you just gotta pry off the walls you’ve built around yourself first.”

“You pryin’ my walls, Christiansen?”

“I hope so. Brick by brick.”

“I’ll need more whiskey if we’re gonna do that.”

Joseph laughed, nudging into Robert with his face. He settled back, tracing their fingers with his other hand.

Robert said nothing. He looked from the man he had beside him to his dirty shoes and up to the sky. People weren’t born evil. They were made. Joseph didn’t mean to be cruel to his wife. He’d been scared into a family by the threats of conversion therapy and God’s hatred. Fathers. No matter how much Robert tried to not be like his, he was _exactly_ like his. Joseph, however, was nothing like his. He was a good dad to his children. He was a friend to all. He did preach of love and acceptance. Maybe it was self-serving. A way to remind himself over and over that God still loved him. Robert wasn’t going to analyze it. He didn’t waste his time in college attending psych classes. Actually, he wasted his time being passed out in his dorm until he was kicked out. That had been fun.

Robert sighed, taking a big breath to smell Joseph’s shampoo. He closed his eyes, resigned to be used and cast aside again. Because if this conversation taught him anything. It was that Joseph wouldn’t leave Mary. Which meant Robert had to be the one to make this stop.

He wouldn’t hurt Mary like that. It didn’t matter how much Robert wanted Joseph to stay in his arms. Joseph wasn’t his to hold. Joseph had made a vow, and if he wouldn’t break it, Robert had to give him back. Or could he just—pave his road with selfish intentions. At least then he would be rotten in and out.

* * *

“Robert? ROBERT?!”

Robert didn’t want to move. He lay in his bed, curled up with the fan on high. He was naked and the sheet had been long since kicked to the floor. He was also pretty sure he’d puked in it a few times. After that night with Joseph, Robert couldn’t bring himself to go to the bar. So he drank alone at home. Day and night. He was almost out of his secret reserves and his normal reserves. He wasn’t ready to face Mary yet.

“Oh—sweet manchego! It smells like a sewer!” Hugo bristled, his moustache almost lurching from his face to avoid the stench in the room. Robert would’ve turned over, expect he didn’t exactly want Hugo to see his floppy dick and decided his ass was the nicer of the two options. Robert was only proud of his dick when it was erect. 

“What the heck, man?” Hugo grabbed the bed sheet and tossed it in a hamper. “When’s the last time you—did you piss your bed?”

“Huh. Guess I did.” Robert had been wondering why he felt so itchy.

“Get up. Get in the shower. I’m not leaving you all day. You know this could kill you, right? This—whatever it is!”

“Thanks, dad.”

“Oh don’t _dad_ me. I handle my own son, you think I can’t handle you too? I’ll rip you right off that bed if you don’t stand up in one...two…”

“Okay! Okay, okay!” Robert sat up, cracking his back. His joints protested any movement so he worked slow, putting one leg down at a time over the bed. He stood up, wavered a bit and then found his balance. “I’ll get in the fuckin’ shower. Don’t get your panties in a wad.”

“You’d be lucky to see my panties in a wad.” Hugo strips the bed and tosses the sheets in with the vomit ones. Robert doesn’t much care what he does with them. Burn them or wash them. Robert can always sleep on the sofa.

The shower felt nice. The thought of rinsing vomit, regret, and piss away made Robert feel more alive and alert. He bathed quickly and got out.

He was  only in a towel when he came around into the open concept living area. He stood in front of his giant TV, looking at Hugo in the kitchen.

“What?” Hugo asked.

“I’ve never seen you so ticked.” Robert shrugged. “Kinda—scary.”

Hugo snorts. “I teach high school _and_ middle school. I can handle one drunken idiot.”

Robert doesn’t retaliate. He deserved that.

“We were worried you were dead. I picked your lock. You’re giving me a spare key by the way. Right now.”

Robert trudged over to the spare key drawer and pulled out the other one for the house. He dropped it on the counter in a little act of defiance. Flicking his wet hair in Hugo’s direction, he went back over to the couch and plopped down.

“I ain’t dead.”

“Everyone’s been worried about you since the grill out.”

“Did you know Joseph doesn’t even like grilling?”

“What? No? Wait—this isn’t about Joseph. This is about you!”

“I didn’t know either. He’s so good at it. I mean—of course. He’s good at everything. And that’s the damn problem, isn’t it?”

“Oh. I see what this is.” Hugo came over into the living room and sat on the coffee table. He sighed, his gaze looking over Robert. “What happened?”

“He told me his story. I’m great at lying, so I know when people lie. I don’t think—I don’t think he was. It all seemed too uncomfortable for him to talk about to be a big lie.”

“And his story made you drink yourself into a stupor for a week?”

“I guess. I mean, hell, a bad shit can make me drink myself into a stupor for a week. He ain’t special.”

“But he is. To you.” Hugo leaned forward, offering a small smile. He had this way that Robert both greatly admired and wanted to pound Hugo into the pavement for. It was this—this presence that was both calming and absolutely terrifying at the same time. Everything Hugo did when he got like this made Robert want to snap to attention and answer all his questions. Teachers were wizards, Robert was sure of it.

“I don’t want him to be special to me.”

“I know.”

“Make it stop. Make it go away.” Robert dropped to the side, covering his head with his arms. “I don’t—I don’t wanna hurt Mary like this.”

“Then don’t.”

“But—”

“If you don’t want to hurt her, all you can do is not be the guy who Joseph cheats on her with. But you know there _will_ be that guy.”

Robert went silent. He watched Hugo stand up and walk away. He listened to the ruffling of someone in the kitchen. It sounded like Hugo was preparing a meal. Robert found himself slipping in and out of consciousness, soothed by the sounds of boiling water, a knife on a cutting board, and someone humming.

When he opened his eyes next, the world was dark outside. He sat up. Hugo was at the reading chair, sipping some kind of warm beverage and reading a book. “There’s dinner in the microwave. I didn’t want to wake you.”

Robert lost his towel when he went to stand. He waddled over into the bedroom and put on a pair of boxers before coming back out and rolling his eyes at a sniggering Hugo.

“Nice ass.”

“Go to hell.”

Robert praised the Lord for Hugo’s patience and cooking skills. He chowed down on the spaghetti with a homemade pasta sauce. Robert didn’t know much finer things in life than homemade pasta sauce. Too bad he never had the desire or was ever sober enough to even attempt it. Once finished, he came back over to the couch and sat down, staring Hugo’s way.

Hugo politely ignored him, flipping his page from time to time.

After about five minutes, Robert was getting impatient. He cleared his throat, stood up and went to put some clothes on. He grabbed his keys and announced, “I’m leaving for the Jim N Kim, that okay, _Dad_?”

“Be home no later than three.” Hugo closed the book, nodding. At least he was proud of himself.

“Fine.” Robert would stay out till four just for kicks. After he walked into town, his eyes widened. What if the whole point of that was for Hugo to get Robert out of the house?

Robert would be home by two…

* * *

Robert found his way to the church. He stood there, looking up at the building with a pinched brow. Maple Bay didn’t just have Christian people, but Robert did feel this was the center of town, even for people not of religion. The bake sales, the festivals, the _effort_ Mary and Joseph put in. Robert frowned. _Mary and Joseph_.

“Jesus.”

“Blaspheming or praying?” a voice asked.

Robert startled. He snapped in the direction of the voice and saw Joseph on the sidewalk. He wore khakis, but the blue sweater was nowhere to be found. Robert found himself frowning. That sweater had been his once, and Joseph said he wore it for a reason.

“What’re you doing at my church at this hour?” Joseph asked, tilting his head.

“I was goin’ for a drink but—then I stopped—here.” Robert realized how pathetic he sounded so he shoved his hand into his back pocket for his cigarettes. After lighting up, he finally looked back over at Joseph. He had a kind smile on his handsome face, his hands folded and resting in front of him. “What?”

“Nothing. You’re just—you.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Robert blew smoke Joseph’s way just to piss the guy off. It didn’t seem to work. Joseph only took a step closer.

“You wanted to see me, so you came here because if you came to my house, then you _would_ see me and you didn’t know what to do with that. So you came here, to at least think about seeing me. But I was actually here. So now we’re actually seeing each other.”

“Are you a minister or a therapist? Cause that’s some psycho-analytical-bullshit.”

“Did you want to see me?” Joseph asked in a low voice.

Robert looked away. Of course he did. He wouldn’t mind seeing Joseph every day for the rest of his life. But then he thought of Mary and their children, and all Robert thought of then was how disgusting of a human being he was.

“I’m glad you came.” Joseph reached out and plucked the cigarette from Robert’s hands. Robert was ready to light up a new one just to piss Joseph off when the man _put the cigarette to his own mouth_. Joseph blew out a puff of smoke, winking.

“You’re a sinner, Joseph Christiansen.”

“We’re all sinners.” Joseph shrugged. “God forgives.”

“What about the whole ‘Thou shall not commit adultery’ thing?”

Joseph looked away frowning. Something impossibly sad overcame his face. He went from confident, broad-shouldered and in command to insecure, frazzled and small. He cleared his throat and bit his lip.

God, why did he have to bite his lip. Robert almost whined.

“I don’t claim to be a good person, Robert. If I can make others be good—that’s enough for me.”

“What about heaven?”

“What about it?” Joseph blinked.

“Don’t you wanna go?” Robert snubbed his cigarette and tossed it. He saw the frown on Joseph’s face, so he went over to the cigarette butt and picked it up and shoved it into his front pocket. Joseph looked much more pleased at that decision.

“You think I won’t go if I’m unfaithful?”

“You just—God—fuck. Whatever. I’m done. See ya.” Robert was two steps away when Joseph grabbed his shoulder. Robert whirled around, twirling right into Joseph’s arms. Joseph wrapped his hands around Robert’s neck, playing with the hairs at the base of his skull. Fuck, he forgot how good it felt to have someone touch his hair like this.

“I’m not in a battle with my religion, Robert. I’m sorry I can’t give you the answers you want.”

“I don’t—want—them.” Robert didn’t know what he wanted. His heart was squeezing, his fingers trembling. Joseph was warm and their bodies so close. He could dip forward and just press his lips… He could if he just…

No.

No he couldn’t.

Robert pulled out of Joseph’s arms and looked around. “Someone could see us.”

“Yeah,” Joseph responded, though he didn’t seem all too convinced. His shoulders slumped and he sighed. “Guess I’ll see you around?”

“Yeah.”

“Great. I like—I like seeing you.”

“Good.” This was entirely too awkward for Robert. They both knew what they wanted, and neither was making the first move. Robert wanted Joseph. He’d been given Mary’s blessing, but it wasn’t for _this_. It was to catch Joseph in the act and bring him to Mary’s mercy. Joseph was being played by Mary and Robert was the bait. Robert didn’t want to be the bait. He hated the idea of hurting either of them. After learning about Joseph’s upbringing, after his confessions. Robert didn’t have the balls to hate him anymore. Joseph wasn’t evil. He was sad. So unbelievably sad, caught up in trying to please everyone but himself and trying to find what made him happy. A martyr. Joseph was a martyr. But so was Mary. What made _her_ stick with Joseph, Robert didn’t know.

“Okay,” Joseph said, “bye then.”

“Yeah.” Robert watched Joseph get into his SUV, wave at him one last time, and then drive off.

Robert lit up another cigarette. Then he lit up another. One after the next, he sucked them all down until his throat was stuffed with cotton and his eyes held tears. Once at Jim N Kim’s, he ordered a bottle of whiskey and drank until he forgot his name.

* * *

“Ah shit.” Robert rolled over, squinting up his face. He opened one eye to see Craig and Hugo standing above him. Craig didn’t have any of his kids with him, so Robert assumed this wasn’t just a quick chit-chat. Hugo was frowning. “Why’re you in my house?” Robert smacked his mouth. It tasted foul.

“Uh—bro? This—this is outside.”

Robert opened his eyes more to see he was in fact outside. He’d managed to find a nice alleyway to pass out in. That or he’d been kicked out. Robert couldn’t remember which. “Huh.”

“You need to quit drinking,” Hugo said, “it’s not healthy.”

“Neither are cheese boards and too much wine.”

Hugo frowned. Okay, Robert deserved that.

“Dude. You reek.”

Robert rolled his eyes. He’d been told that quite a few times in his life. His friends helped him up with relative ease. He stumbled a little, falling into Craig. Craig’s muscular arms reached out, steadying Robert. Craig was a nice guy. A little dense and much too health-conscious for Robert’s liking. But he liked Craig overall.

“I’ll drive him home.” Hugo gently pulled Robert into his arms, smiling in that way people do when they’re not actually happy over at Craig. Craig just nodded, his mouth dropped open, brain most likely not really understanding the situation. Hugo knew better though. A drunken alleyway pass out meant one thing and one thing only. Robert was emotionally breaking.

“Catch you bros later then.”

“We’ll be in touch,” Hugo said with a smile.

Craig furrowed his brow, looking between Hugo and Robert. For a moment, Robert thought Craig was figuring it all out as his expression narrowed in. But he’d shrugged and then jogged away. Robert did like Craig, but he’d never been so relieved to see him leave.

“I said be home by three,” Hugo teased.

“Yeah. Well. I’m a rebel.”

“C’mon. Get in the car.”

Together, they got into Hugo’s old Honda and silence overcame them. Robert leaned against the door, looking out at the shops and the people walking along the streets. Maple Bay was surprisingly more active in the day then Robert was used to seeing it at night. He guessed that made sense. It wasn’t like a suburban area would have a wild nightlife. He sat back, sighing. Last night. Last night had been weird.

Seeing Joseph—it made Robert remember how badly he wanted him. From the very first time Robert saw Joseph, to the night he got drunk enough to ask the man to sleep with him, to the days of pretending like he hated the man. He’d always wanted Joseph. Misery tended to want company. And Robert was no stranger to its longing. Robert pined for Joseph the way a failed dreamer pined for a sign that they shouldn’t have given up. Joseph was miserable. That thread tethered them together and wound itself around them so tight. It was only bringing them closer and closer. Robert wasn’t going to fool himself.

And he had _permission_. But he wasn’t certain what that really meant. It was supposed to be staged in a way that Mary could have a leg up on Joseph. Something to hold over Joseph’s head. The man was gay! He wasn’t a monster. Why wouldn’t Mary just go? Mary loved to tease. Sometimes those taunts could be cruel. Was she cruel to Joseph?

The question hurt Robert inside. He squeezed his hands closed, watching the trees and the perfectly manicured lawns come into view. They were almost home and Hugo hadn’t said a damn thing. Bless him, really. Except also fuck him. Hugo was a born and bred caretaker. He latched onto people like Robert because it gave him a sense of purpose. Hell, Robert was sure Hugo secretly loved how his son, Ernest, was a devote delinquent. Robert wondered what that really meant. Hugo liked taking care of other people’s messes so he didn’t have to take care of his own. What kind of messes did a man like Hugo have?

“We’re home,” Hugo said when he pulled into Robert’s driveway. “Your lawn needs a mowing.”

“Yeah.”

“I could send Ernest your way. You’d probably have to pay him though.”

“Sure.” Robert got out of the care. He didn’t even say goodbye. Hugo didn’t ask him to either. For that, Robert was grateful. Moments like this, when the world got too loud for him and his thoughts crept into the nooks and crannies Robert forgot existed in his mind, it was too much.

He went into his study, if it could even be called that, and dropped into one of the brown, overly-large bean bag chairs he’d gotten. He liked his study. It wasn’t really a study in that it was a place where he went to get on a computer or _study_. It was a reprieve. The walls were painted beige. The carpet was stupid soft and plush. There was a record player in the corner of the room and he had blackout curtains along the windows. This was a sanctuary. Robert worked from home, but he wasn’t confined to this room, so instead of a room he dreaded, he’d created one he loved. His job was more interesting than that, though he kept that a secret all the same. He didn’t intentionally mean to hide himself away like this. It just—happened. He liked that no one hardly knew anything about him. Maybe he’d tell Joseph.

Maybe.

Robert curled into himself, turning off the lights and hitting the button for the blackout curtains to come down. The room was silent. He could faintly hear his own blood rushing in his veins. He liked the sounds of being alive. He was the kind of man who sat on his hands just so he could feel his pulse beating. Being alive was an adventure. He loved the stories of life. He loved _experiences_. Which of course, meant he feared everything about dying. And dying alone? Well, that was worse.

Robert didn’t know how long he’d stayed there. He’d woken up hours later, body relaxed and mind calm enough to venture out of the room. He opened the blackout blinds to find the world dark outside. When he checked his watch, it read 3AM. Frowning, Robert padded into the kitchen to find something to eat. He had...a few slices of bread and some processed cheese. He missed Hugo. He fried up a grilled cheese and nibbled, but couldn’t bring himself to finish it.

Robert frowned, finding he didn’t _want_ to sit and mope around. Joseph was under his skin, but that didn’t mean Robert had to let the man penetrate his mind too. Robert grabbed a flashlight, made sure he had all his knives and he went out. He needed to do something _fun_.

Looking for the Dover Ghost was fun.

Robert smoked one cigarette after the other while he made his way through the forest. The owls hooted, animals rustling the leaves to keep Robert’s adrenaline high. He loved the thrill. He lived for the high. He heard another twig snap and turned to see but when he saw nothing, he moved to turn around and nearly jumped out of his skin.

Joseph was standing there, wearing a hoodie of some dark color but he still sported his _khakis_.

“Oh!”

“Oh?” Robert wanted to scream, but instead he just hissed. “I could’ve stabbed you!”

“That would’ve been unfortunate.” Joseph stepped closer, voice low.

“Wha—what’re—”

Joseph didn’t let Robert have a chance to get the words out. He’d pushed Robert against a tree, his hands firm against Robert’s chest and his mouth claiming Robert’s. Robert gave in. His whole body melted into nothing but a puddle of neglected emotions and that constant fear that plagued his mind. _I don’t want to be alone. I don’t want to be alone._

Robert grabbed Joseph’s hips, holding him as close as he could. Their chests rose and fell with each other’s breath. Lips, slick with saliva, ebbed and flowed against each other. Tongues greeted shyly, old friends meeting again. Robert’s heart was trying to dig its way out of his chest and tuck itself safe in Joseph’s arms. He betrayed two people in that moment. Mary—and himself.

He didn’t want to be a bad person. He may have acted like it. But Robert didn’t like being the one people whispered about. He pretended he didn’t care how people looked at him when he came bumbling down the street, drunk as a skunk. He lied to himself, thinking that he could go through life and be just fine all alone. No. It hurt when people judged him. It hurt more when friends whispered about him. His bed was too big for just himself. He didn’t want to live a life without getting to experience it with someone else. He was already in his forties. Gray nestled in his hair and stubble. He didn’t want to _die_ alone. So he held onto Joseph, his mouth more eager, his body sizzling as heat rose between them.

When Joseph pulled away, his cheeks were flushed red in the dim moonlight. His hands trembled. He trailed them down to Robert’s belt and looked up with a devilish grin.

“No,” Robert said, “I don’t wanna be just that.”

“Just what?”

“I’m not a toy, Joseph. I’m not somethin’ you can use and set aside.”

“I know that.”

“Do you?” Robert tilted his head to the side, glaring. “I don’t know what you know. From where I’m standin’, you gotta wife n’ kids. A whole life that doesn’t—”

“Doesn’t what?” Joseph took Robert’s hand and kissed his palm.

Robert bit the inside of his cheek so he didn’t whine at the delicate way Joseph kissed his hand. “Doesn’t—include me.”

Joseph looked away, but he held onto Robert’s hand. He focused back to it, tracing the lines on the palm. It tickled, but Robert didn’t dare move it away. He was so _gone_ for this man. Joseph bit his lip, brow furrowed. Then he looked up, and the pleading in Joseph’s eyes took Robert’s breath away. Sorrow brought the blue of Joseph’s eyes out. The moonlight reflected off unshed tears. Then he blinked. What had been there before was replaced with an unreadable expression and Joseph’s body was moving away from Robert’s.

Robert wanted to reach out, but he found himself paralyzed. He saw Joseph look away and tilted his head to the side. Robert felt cold without Joseph pressed in so close.

“I want it to include you,” Joseph whispered, “please don’t think I don’t.”

“But you can’t let it.” Robert knew the story already.

Joseph bit his lip again and it took every fiber in Robert’s body not to whine.

“How’d you find me?”

“I followed you.” Joseph snorted. “That sounds terribly inappropriate doesn’t it? Craig told me you were found in the middle of an alley last night so. I was worried.”

“You could’ve just said you wanted to come.”

“I know. But maybe I was curious if—if you were going somewhere I couldn’t follow.”

Robert narrowed his eyes. “Like a lover’s house?”

The blush that filtered into Joseph’s face gave him a pink hue beneath the moonlight. Robert could almost forget that this was the man destroying any semblance of constitution Robert had. Joseph had been tugging and tugging, and Robert was unraveling.

“I don’t got a lover, Joe. You know that.”

“Because—I’d be it?” Joseph asked, an uncertain shake to his voice. His brows pulled together and his lips twitched.

Robert didn’t want to answer. He pulled out a cigarette to give himself some time to recover from the hope that reverberated from Joseph. Joseph had a way of getting exactly what he wanted, and he knew how to wield it. Robert was never sure what was genuine out of Joseph, and what was some kind of calculative game. Robert didn’t want to be a game. He wanted to _matter._

“You know how I feel about you,” Robert admitted because at this point, he was in shambles.

Joseph came closer, he laced one hand into Robert’s and rested his head on Robert’s shoulder while Robert smoked with the other. They stood there in silence. Robert liked listening to the way Joseph breathed. He liked feeling that warm presence on his side. He liked how _soft_ Joseph looked in a hoodie. Joseph was younger than Robert, but even besides that, he had an ageless face. One couldn’t be too sure if he was in his late twenties or somewhere even up into his forties. Robert knew though. He was in his thirties. He’d married young. Had kids young. God—married. _Married._ And married to a woman who wanted to use this to her advantage. Robert didn’t fault Mary. He loved her in the way he loved any of his closest friends. But setting up Joseph like that felt wrong. He didn’t know what he’d do when he saw Mary next.

“I don’t like what happened,” Joseph said, “between us. That time, I mean. I don’t like that it wasn’t supposed to mean anything when it did.”

Robert closed his eyes. He wished he could light up another cigarette.

“I know how you feel, yes. But—do you know how I feel about you?”

Robert clenched his teeth.

“I’m crazy about about you, Rob. Crazy. And—and I do bad things because I can’t forget that.”

“Is it me that you’re crazy about? Or is it because I’m an easy target for you?”

Joseph’s head snapped up. “What? _Target_!”

“Oh c’mon! Every new guy that shows up in this town, I see the way you check them out! You’re not smooth in the least bit.”

“That’s—that has nothing—”

Robert stepped away. If Robert was good at anything, it was making a good situation bad. It was taking a moment he wanted so desperately and destroying it because he felt that’s what he deserved. He’d lost his family. He lost his kid. Why should he be happy?

“It has _everything_ to do with this, and you know it.” Robert shoved Joseph back for emphasis. “I’m not a game, Joseph. I’m not a _toy_ and I’m definitely not _yours_. Run home to your _wife_ , Joseph. Fuck her. Put another baby in her belly. Keep playing into the lie you’ve created around yourself. But don’t you _dare_ come around me again with this bullshit. I won’t be this for you! I deserve—” _Nothing._ “Mary deserves better.”

Robert wasn’t proud of himself per se. He was proud that he’d given himself a little dignity not to be a side piece at least. He’d tell Mary of this little encounter (not the night above Maple Bay in the bed of the truck, that night Joseph was too honest).

He was trudging off when he heard, “And you? What do you deserve?” Robert froze. He smashed his teeth so hard together that his jaw ached. Fingers trembling, he turned to face Joseph.

The moon had moved. No longer was Joseph cast in the moon’s silver rays, but darkness. He was an outline and Robert didn’t know if that made this any easier now that he couldn’t read the man’s face. He could see broad shoulders, two legs, but no face. He found himself aching to see Joseph’s face again, and so soon.

“I don’t deserve shit, Christiansen.” Robert began walking away, his dignity now gone and poured out at Joseph’s feet. He’d go home and nurse a bottle of wine. It was a wine night. Or morning. Whatever it was. Maybe he’d crawl over to Hugo’s house and beg the man to hold him and he could finally just _cry_. Robert needed to cry. He actually—needed to cry.

* * *

Robert found himself on a job a few days later. It had taken his thoughts away from Joseph and the people around him. He’d actually been making dinners and even invited Hugo and Craig over for one of them. They’d happily all clinked their wine glasses together and enjoyed a homecooked meal. Robert had felt _happy_ that night. He had friends. Good friends. Betsy had been a good dog over the past few weeks. Robert was glad he’d gotten one of those fancy self-feeder bowls for her or he worried he may have accidentally made her miss a few. He was a terrible parent. Human or dog. But he loved Betsy, so he made sure he could protect her from himself. Always fed and watered, and she had a nice little doggie door that went out back that he’d installed when he first brought her home.

But now the job was over. Robert was left to his own devices again. He watched from afar as Joseph had some grill out party. He nursed a beer while watching people walk over to Joseph’s house from the curtain. Hugo hadn’t told him of a party. Maybe Joseph—maybe he’d asked him not to. The thought hurt. Not that Robert would’ve gone. But he liked Joseph trying to chase after him.

Wow. Fucking _wow_. Robert was a dumbass. He threw his beer back and swallowed it all down and then turned for the hard stuff. He went into his study, lay down on one of the oversized bean bags, and sucked back whiskey. He let the haze take over his mind. But all that haze did was drift a certain blond into his vision. He was back in the forest again. Only this time, he didn’t stop Joseph when he tried to undo his belt. He’d let him, watched as the man sunk to his knees and

_Oh...oh!_

Robert arched his back, slipping his fingers beneath his boxers. It’d been a hard minute since he’d rubbed one out. He started loose, his fingers just tracing up and down his length. He thought of nothing but Joseph and the way he bit his lip. He liked it so damn much, watching those lips get redder and bigger.

“Nng…” He gripped himself harder, palming over his tip, rubbing in little circles. He imagined Joseph’s lips tracing along his cock, tongue shyly flicking out. God. God he _wanted_ this. He came so much faster than he wished he did. Boxers ruined, he left his study and crawled into bed, naked. He reached for a tissue and cleaned up the remaining semen and called it a damn night. Six was a perfectly reasonable time to go to bed….

He was such a shitty liar.

* * *

“I haven’t seen you around lately,” Mary said when Robert came into the Jim N Kim, “there a reason for that?”

Robert shook his head and slid into the stool beside her. Neil, the bartender, poured Robert a glass of whiskey on the rocks and nodded before walking away. Robert took the glass, eyeing it for a moment. He liked the way whiskey looked. But then he thought of blond hair and suddenly Robert didn’t know if he could drink it thinking of Joseph.

“Your husband followed me into the woods a couple weeks ago and kissed me. And I’ve been on a job.”

“A job huh? What do you even do?”

“Don’t worry about it.”

Mary narrowed her eyes but shrugged. “So he followed you into the woods. That bastard.” She clutched her drink a bit tighter. Robert frowned, watching her whole demeanor change. There was clearly animosity between them. What reason did they have for sticking around together. The kids? All kids grew up a little fucked up. That’s why fucked up adults existed. That couldn’t have been it.

“Did you two do anything?” she asked.

“We kissed. That’s all.”

Mary pursed her lips. “I need more than that, Robert.”

“For what? I’m not gonna help you blackmail him or something. I know he’s shitty to you but isn’t that kind of—low?”

“Oh really? Blackmail is low to you? Guy who passes out in alleyways?”

Robert bit the inside of his cheek to keep from spitting an insult back. He had to remember this wasn’t about him. Mary was hurting from Joseph. She was never good at keeping her emotions at bay with Robert. He was a good enough whipping boy for her and he never complained. Besides, Robert owed it to Mary. He fucked her husband after all.

“It’s not blackmail. It’s just—I just need something to hang over his head.”

“Why?” Robert scooted closer, lowering his voice, “why don’t you just get a divorce?”

Mary’s eyes widened. “Not happening.”

Robert slowly licked his bottom lip, frowning. There was almost a look of fear in Mary’s eyes. What made her go from loose to rigid just at the mention of a divorce. What the fuck happened in that house when no one was around to see?

“Does he hurt you?”

“What? No!” Mary grabbed her wine glass and took a big swig. Robert watched how her fingers shook. “Just—no divorces.”

“So you play games with him? You catch him cheating and he cleans the house for a month?”

She laughed. Her shoulders settled again and a smirk stayed put on her face. She was a beautiful woman. She could do so much better than a man that couldn’t love her back in the way she deserved. It wasn’t Joseph’s fault for being gay, just like it wasn’t Robert’s fault for liking men either. It just—happened. Robert thought back on the kiss he’d shared in the forest with Joseph. He’d felt so good he nearly cried. Everything felt better when Joseph was around, but it wasn’t something Robert could _have_. So he stayed miserable.

“I won’t actually answer this question, but I’ll give you a vague enough answer. You do this for me, and I get something I want. We’re a bargaining kind of family. And hey, you know he fucks good. You’ll get somethin’ outta it too.” She winked.    

“Jesus! Mary that’s—I’m not gonna help your husband _cheat_ on you!”

“It’s not cheating if it’s basically entrapment.” She cupped his stubbly face, smiling. “Besides, I trust you. I know it’s just as meaningless for you as it is for him.”

The words hurt more than Mary had intended. She didn’t _know_ , so of course she said them in such a frank way. To her, Robert hated Joseph and his lies. They’d formed an entire friendship off of hating and mistrusting him. They mocked him in the dark where Joseph never knew. Robert felt guilty about all that now. He’d hurt a man he cared about—just because he needed to protect himself. It hurt so much that he couldn’t have Joseph.

“So we what, get him cornered into fucking and you stumble on in?” Robert felt hollow.

“I mean, how far you wanna go with him is your business. I won’t judge if you wanna stick it in my husband’s ass. I know that’s how he likes it, the little whore.” She sneered, drinking her glass dry. Neil came on over and topped it off, smiling Mary’s way. “He asked me once if I’d put my _finger_ inside him. Can you believe that?”

Robert cocked a brow. “It’s not actually out of the ordinary, Mary. Lots of men enjoy anal stimulation.”

Mary barked out a laugh. “Listen to you! ‘Anal _stimulation_!’” She gulped down a drink and hiccuped.

“C’mon Mary, maybe you should slow down. You’re way ahead of me. Lemme catch up.”

Mary put a finger to Robert’s lips, biting her own. “You’re gorgeous you know. I get why he’s so crazy about you. But I think what I love most about all this is that you’re mine and not his. Right? I mean, you’re my friend,” she pulled her hand away, “you’re so good to me.”

Robert’s heart swelled. Mary pretended to be cruel so she didn’t have to show the world how hurt she was by it. Robert understood how hard it got to pretend to be something one wasn’t. Then he thought of Joseph, a gay man pretending to be straight. They were all liars, none better than the other. What secrets did Craig have? Or Hugo? What did they look like when their masks were off and no one in the world was there to watch?

“Yeah Mary,” Robert said, “I’m your friend.”

Mary leaned toward Robert, her arms reaching for him. He let her hug him, sniffling into his neck. He looked to Neil, shrugging. It was time to go. Neil shrugged back and said, “I’ll write what you owe. You can both pay later.”

Robert helped Mary out of her stool and together they walked the streets of Maple Bay. Mary was silent now. Either she was lost in her own head or fixated on not falling over. Robert knew it was one of the two. He’d had plenty of nights where the cobbled sidewalks tripped him up if he wasn’t careful. He kept an arm around her to make sure she wouldn’t fall. Mary leaned right in.

“Got a light?” Mary asked.

“You smokin’ now?”

She just glared.

Robert pulled out two cigarettes and lit them. They puffed on them, both silent again. Robert wasn’t one for small talk. In fact, it was probably his least favorite thing of all things he didn’t like. And he didn’t like _a lot_ of things. But right now? The silence made him think of Joseph. The warmth Mary gave him made him think of the way Joseph leaned in this close out in the forest. It—hurt. Robert was lying to Mary about his feelings. He didn’t want to just _fuck_ Joseph and let Mary come in and make Joseph feel—probably bad. Robert wasn’t entirely sure what Mary’s angle was. Maybe if he asked sincerely…

“Hey Mary?”

“Hmmmmm?” She looked up at him with dilated pupils and a sleepy expression.

“I really need to know. I can’t be an accomplice to something that’ll hurt Joseph. I don’t like ‘im. But. Ya know. I don’t wanna hurt him either.”

“You won’t hurt him, Robert.” Mary heaved a big sigh. “That’ll be all me. A burden I don’t take easy.”

“Why then? Why hurt him?”

Mary smirked, shaking her head. She tossed her cigarette into the church's lawn as they passed it. Robert had remembered the look Joseph gave him when he’d almost done the same. He wanted to go pick it up, but knew if he did, then Mary would _see_. That would lead to all sorts of things Robert didn’t want to deal with right now. So instead, he ignored the litter and continued walking with Mary.

“I can walk home from here. I need to sober up anyway.” Mary got out from under Robert’s arm and sighed. “Gotta check on the kids. Remind them they have a mother.”

Robert frowned.

“Don’t look at me like that. Go home, Robert. And thank you. For being my friend.”

Robert nodded, turning to cross the street to his own house. He came inside, pet his dog for awhile, stared into the refrigerator, snacked on pickles and then stood at the glass sliding door in the back. Betsy went out into the yard. Robert wasn’t really _looking_ for anything. He felt numb. Mary and Joseph were so _miserable_. Maybe they wouldn’t get a divorce because Joseph was a minister and Mary was a minister’s wife. Divorce wasn’t actually _okay_ in the bible. Maybe that was it. Robert clicked his tongue. That felt so trivial. Joseph did a lot of things the bible didn’t condone. He played football, wore mixed polyester clothing, kissed guys—would he seriously draw the line at divorce? No. There had to be something else.

Betsy came back into the house, trotting along into the bedroom. Robert sighed, feeling that maybe he should do the same. He went through the motions, but all his thoughts were on Mary and Joseph. If walls could talk, he’d have the longest conversation with the walls of the Christiansen house.   In bed, Robert couldn’t sleep. So he jacked off thinking about Joseph.

Fuck. _Fuck._

* * *

“Hey man!” Mat said. Robert was heading for his beat up old truck to get into for another job. He turned, watching Mat come up. Mat was all smiles and held two coffees in his hands.

Robert cocked a brow at that.

“Oh, this is actually for you. I haven’t seen you around so I wanted to check up. See how thing’s are?”

“You were worried?” Mat was one of Robert’s closer friends. Hell, the whole cul-de-sac was a group of close friends. They were one step away from a fucking evening comedy show with how “friend group” they were. But for some reason, Robert didn’t think anyone really _cared_ , except of course Hugo. But that was Hugo’s character. He needed to help others to help himself. Mat? Mat, Robert didn’t quite _understand_. He was one of those guys who was genuinely good because he just _was_. He had no motives, no shady reasons. He was exactly what he looked to be and that unnerved Robert a little. How could someone be so nice and ask for nothing in return?

If Robert learned anything about life, it was that life came with a price—a catch. And when Mat was so giving, Robert got suspicious, even though he had no reason to. Mat was the blaring outlier that never asked for anything in return.

“We’re all worried, man.” Mat handed Robert the coffee. “Where ya headin’?”

“Oh. It’s a job.”

Mat cocked a brow.

“I work.”

“Yeah, I’m waiting’ to hear on what.”

Robert didn’t want to tell him. Maybe after he told Joseph. Shit, the fact that Robert was saving that for _Joseph_ felt stupid. It was stupid. There was no reason Robert needed to hide who he was anymore. The initial mysterious novelty had worn off. Now Robert was just irritated that practically all his friends knew nothing about him. Mary didn’t even know his job.

“I’m uh, I do sound design. For movies.”

Mat’s eyes widened.

“It’s not always big Hollywood stuff. Just—ya know. Movies.”

“But it’s sometimes big Hollywood movies?”

Robert shrugged. “I mean, well yeah.”

“Dude! That’s amazing! Do you know any celebrities? Is that why you get pissed when people leave during the credits? Have you ever done concerts or anything with musicians? Oh man that’s so cool!”

The onslaught of questions made Robert break into a cold sweat. He backed up, giving himself some space. “Uh, we’ll talk about it later. I’ve really gotta go. I’ve gotta catch a flight. I’ll be back in a few days though. Betsy’s fine. She’s got plenty of water and food. Self feeder things and all that. Doggie door.” Robert slunk into his truck. “I’m absolutely fine. Thanks for the coffee.”

Mat frowned, watching as Robert drove away. He didn’t buy it anymore than Robert did. Robert wasn’t _fine_. He hated that word. Fine. Fine was code for ‘I’m dying inside but I’m too tired to do anything about it.’ It was like watching your own car crash and not even caring that it happened. Fine was _never_ fine.

Robert gripped the steering wheel, growling. He couldn’t drink the coffee Mat brought him. He felt mostly guilty for brushing the guy off, but he really did have a plane to catch. He did this. This was his job and he didn’t mind flying out to random states for two or three days at a time to polish up some sounds. His work was all the digital aftercut stuff anyway. He could do it from home if he really wanted to, but if he ever needed to reshoot something, it was just a better idea to be close to the sets.

Robert was halfway out of town when he started thinking of Joseph again. The more he told himself not to, his brain did the complete opposite. Mary had given _permission._ Maybe a good fuck would be enough to get Joseph out of his system. Yeah, that sounded good.

He slammed on the brakes, eyes large.

No. No that was absolutely, positively, irrevocably the _worst_ idea Robert Small had _ever_ had in his entire life. Joseph wasn’t some petty fuck. Joseph was everything Robert wanted in a partner. He was kind to Robert, intelligent and always kept Robert guessing. He could go toe to toe with Robert if Robert ever got up to his stupid story tellings. Joseph liked people, and Robert didn’t, but that helped keep Robert grounded. All he had to do was be around Joseph in a sea of people, and it was okay again.

“I—” Robert didn’t want to admit it. He didn’t want to think of it. The words danced around his brain, teasing and taunting. He felt tears prick the corners of his eyes and getting on a plane was the absolute last thing he wanted to do right now. He’d be around _people_ he couldn’t escape from and all he wanted was to curl into Joseph’s arms and listen to the steady rhythm of his heart while Joseph softly scratched Robert’s scalp. Robert gripped the steering wheel, knuckles white. He inhaled sharply through his teeth, warmth casting down his cheeks. He was crying.

Robert _hated_ himself. He hated that he couldn’t move beyond a man that would never leave his wife—even if it meant he’d be happy without her. He hated that he drunk himself into a hazy stupor every night. He hated that he even had to get _self-feeding bowls_ for his dog to make sure she didn’t _die_. He _loved_ his dog! Everything about Robert was a fucking shit show and Joseph just made it a little better.

“Fuck,” he whimpered out, “fuck, fuck, fuck, _fuck._ ” Anger burned beneath his skin. He wanted to peel it off, shake out of this body and run away. He didn’t want this anymore. It wasn’t fair. It wasn’t fair that the _love_ of his life was in a beautiful house with a woman he didn’t love back. It wasn’t fair that Robert had to see Joseph _every_ damn time he closed his eyes to try to sleep. It wasn’t _fair_ that Joseph was everyone’s _favorite_.

Robert picked up his phone, shakily dialing a number. He waited for someone to answer. On the third ring he heard, “Hello? Dad? Dad?!”

“Hey Val.” Robert’s voice was scratchy. He swallowed the lump in his throat. “I’m—I’m not doin’ so hot.”

“Where are you?”

“I’m still in Maple bay—well sorta. I’m supposed to be goin’ on a job but I _can’t_.”

“Dad,” she drawled. “Let me help you.”

“N-no. No that’s not why I called. I’m a piece of shit and I don’t deserve you. I just—I just needed to tell someone.”

There was a long pause. Robert heaved in a shaky breath, and he knew his daughter could tell he was crying. His daughter—the girl he’d abandoned. He held her in his arms when she was born and swore that he’d be the dad he never got. Joke’s on him. He turned out _exactly_ like his own father.

“Why don’t we see each other soon?” she said. “We could catch up.”

Robert choked over a sob. Shame weighed him down. He couldn’t possibly move if his life depended on it. His head drooped against the steering wheel and he stared forward, not really seeing what was there.

“Dad?”

“That’d be good, Val.”

“When’re you back in Maple Bay? I can fly in.”

“I’ll pay.” Robert knew buying plane tickets and presents wasn’t going to cure years of abandonment, but he had to start somewhere.

“You don’t have to. Really.”

“Let me, please.”

“O-okay. So when’re you back?”

“Two days.”

“I’ll be there.”

“Okay.”

Saying goodbye was a lot easier than saying hello. He felt more grounded now. He had a plan. Being a father was a good thing. Robert wanted that back. If he was going to change himself, if he was going to get through whatever _this_ was. He needed to start where he went wrong. He owed a lot of people apologies. His daughter the first name on that list. It wouldn’t be easy. But he _had_ to start somewhere. If Joseph taught him anything, it was that life was too short to stay trapped in misery. Robert had to get out.

* * *

Val was beautiful. Long hair, tan skin, perfect makeup. Robert wasn’t sure how he made such a beautiful daughter with an ugly mug like his, but somehow it happened. Maybe her mother was the pretty one. She had been. Maybe that’s where it was all from.

Val looked up, a small smile on her face.

Robert smiled back.

“I’m glad I’m here,” she said.

“Me too.”

Val went back to cutting vegetables. Robert was in charge of the meat. He’d bought the best steaks he could find for tonight. He’d done his job without a hitch, his daughter back in his life the only thing keeping him grounded. He’d thought about Joseph, but he knew it wasn’t time for that right now. He had this to atone for. He seasoned the meat, putting more pepper and salt on than probably necessary but Joseph said that was how you were supposed to do it. Robert grimaced.

“You okay?” Val asked, picking up the salt shaker that Robert had dropped.

“Oh.” He blinked. He didn’t remember—dropping.

“You sick? I mean—is this why I’m here? You’ve got cancer or—”

“What? No! No! Oh my God, no!” Robert snatched the salt out of her hand and put it on the counter. “I just—I’ve been doin’ a lot of—self-reflection.”

Val leaned her hip on the counter, cut vegetables ready for roasting. She held a knife in her crossed arms. _My kid_ , Robert thought. Because of course she’d keep the knife close to the vest.

“I hated my dad. Didn’t want anything to do with him. I don’t—I don’t want you to hate me. That’s—shit—that’s selfish isn’t it.”

“A little,” Val stepped closer, “but I think we get to be a little selfish in life. I want my dad. So maybe I’m selfish too.”

Robert smiled, eyes crinkling at the corners. He looked to the knife in his daughter’s hand and then to the counter. “If we’re gonna hug, that thing needs to be on the counter.”

“Oh!” She dropped the knife, pulling Robert in for a hug.

It didn’t magically cure him, but Robert felt better. He wanted a relationship with his daughter. He’d missed so much. School plays, dances, _God_ , father-daughter dances. He wondered how many she’d had to miss because of him. He remembered the ones from when she was really little. He’d hold her in his arms, swaying her around with all the other dads. He, naturally, thought Val was the prettiest of them all. She still was.

“I wanna be there for you,” Robert said, “if you’ll let me.”

“Yeah. We can—we can work something out. I’m grown, so,” she shrugged, “but yeah. I want my dad.”

They spent the rest of the night cooking and acting as if Val’s life hadn’t been spent mostly without him. Their humor was the same. They made threats to maim and murder most of the town, laughing as they went. The food was good. The company better. Robert hadn’t touched an ounce of alcohol. Val had wine while he had water. She didn’t ask, and he didn’t feel the need to explain. There’d been an understanding there.

They were four movies into their movie marathon when Robert said, “I’m in love with someone.”

Val’s eyes widened. She held a candy bar in her fingers, the chocolate slowly melting.

“But it’s—not easy.”

“Well, duh. Love isn’t supposed to be.”

Robert smiled. “No I mean—he’s got baggage that could rival mine. And a wife.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

“Is he gonna leave her?” Val took a bite of the candy bar and set it down to lick off her chocolate covered fingers.

“That’s the problem. They hate each other, but they won’t leave each other. I’ve asked and I’ve never gotten an answer. I don’t—I don’t understand it. If you don’t love someone, why suffer like that?”

“Maybe they do love each other,” Val said, “and it’s more complicated than you understand.”

Robert didn’t like that option. That option meant that he would never wake up next to Joseph and get to kiss the man’s shoulder as a good morning greeting. He knew, objectively, he _knew_ Joseph and Mary wouldn’t divorce. But he still had this little voice in the back of his head that said there was this tiny little chance.

“He’s gay.”

“Well fuck me.” Val leaned forward and grabbed another candy bar to chow down on. Robert smirked. He liked her love of chocolate. Robert used to do the same until he was cursed with heartburn and a metabolism that screamed at him to stop _eating_ all the damn time. He’d developed a tiny little belly and _that_ was quite enough of that.

“So, a gay man marries a woman and he won’t leave her? Well then he’s scared of something. There’s something that’s keeping him in check. She won’t divorce him?”

Robert shook his head.

“Then she’s either protecting him, or maybe she’s what they’re both protecting.”

“What? That’s—” Robert abruptly stopped. That didn’t sound entirely improbable. Robert ran his fingers through his hair, blowing a raspberry. “Jesus. I never thought about it that way. I just thought it was cause they’re Christian.”

“Oh they’re Christian? Well then it’s definitely something they’re trying to hide from. Both of them.” 

Robert bit his lip, staring at Betsy as she slept on her little doggie bed. They were hiding from something. But what? What would have them so scared to find happiness in other people?

“Dad?”

Robert looked over.

“I don’t wanna give you the wrong advice but—a guy like that? If he’s with his wife and they’re both adamant about not divorcing. It’s best if you just move on. I don’t think it’s healthy for you to pine away for a married man.” She grimaced, lowering her shoulders.

Robert knew that already. He smiled a tired smile and tried his best to make his daughter feel less on edge. This wasn’t supposed to be about him anyway. It was supposed to be about _them_.

“Yeah, kid. You’re right.”

Pleased, Val smiled to herself and settled back into the couch. They watched a few horror movies before both passing out.

* * *

Robert hadn’t been grocery shopping in—well a really, really, _really_ long fucking time. He was in the cereal aisle deciding if Val would prefer something chocolatey or if she liked healthy cereals for breakfast.

“Oh!” Robert heard the sounds of a cart startle to a halt and its insides rumbling. He looked up to see Joseph. Robert’s heart _slammed_ against his sternum. Was it hot in here? It felt hot in here. “I didn’t—I was just—” Joseph pointed away.

“No—don’t leave cause of me.” Robert had noticed Joseph giving him a wide berth since he’d yelled at him in the forest. Joseph never smiled or waved when he watered his yard and Robert was on his way to the truck. Joseph stopped taking the kids to the park during hours he knew Robert would be there. Robert hadn’t meant to upset Joseph like that. He’d just been—lost.

“H-how are you?” Joseph asked. He smiled. “You look good. Did you shower?” He reached up to touch Robert’s hair but snatched his hand back, pressing it to his chest. Robert wished he would’ve reached up. He ached for Joseph’s touch again.

“I did.” Robert shrugged, as if showering was a completely ordinary thing for him. Spoiler, it wasn’t. “Val’s in town. My daughter.”

“Oh that’s great! Is that why you’re—here?” Joseph’s nose crinkled up, smile still in place. God, Robert wanted to shove him to the floor and kiss him so hard. Every little thing Joseph did had Robert’s stomach tied in knots. _Knots_. Robert remembered Joseph’s hobby. Fuck if he got a boner in the middle of a grocery store he would literally scream.

“Yeah. I figured I didn’t have much in the way of chow, so.” He shrugged. “Got any suggestions for chocolate cereal that’s still kinda healthy?”

Joseph scanned the cereals, settling on one box. “This one’s not so bad.” He handed a box of chocolate cheerios to Robert. “I mean—it’s bad. But it’s not _so_ bad.”

Robert chuckled, adding the cereal into the cart. “Thanks.”

“I—uh—I miss you,” Joseph said. “I don’t—I don’t mean to—shit.”

“Swear words, minister,” Robert teased, mouth in a smile. “And I miss you too.”

The way Joseph looked up, all dopey-eyed and hopeful. Robert wanted to wrap his arms around the man and never let go. Not for God, not for the end of the world. He _loved_ Joseph. It was so obvious now, thinking about all the signs. He couldn’t shake Joseph from his mind, he was always irrationally angry when Joseph’s focus wasn’t on him. This was love. Stupid, dumb, highly inconvenient love.

“Would you, if, if you’re not busy,” Joseph’s face reddened, “would you wanna—go out? Do something? I mean—I don’t—if—”

“I’d love to, Joe.” Robert ventured closer, crowding Joseph against the cereal boxes. He heard one fall over. Joseph smirked, his pupils dilating. He went from nervous to utterly confident in less than a second and it was hotter than hell to Robert. He _loved_ the dangerous side of Joseph. He’d given anything to be able to explore all its extremes. “What’d’ya wanna do with me?” He was close to Joseph’s ear, breath hot and voice low.

“We’re—oh hell—” Joseph placed a quick kiss on Robert’s jaw and then his lips. “I don’t care if people see.”

Robert blinked, entirely gobsmacked by his brazen behavior. He moved back, straightening out his shirt and jacket. He cleared his throat, looking around. Thankfully no one was gawking, but he was damn sure _someone_ had to have at least walked by. “ We should go on a date.” Robert nodded, proud of himself. “To uh—somewhere nice. Maybe, maybe not in this town.”

“Yeah.” Joseph nodded, a little breathless.

“I wanna—buy you dinner. Go on a walk or somethin’.”

Joseph smiled that dopey smile again, the one that lit up his eyes, broadened his shoulders and straightened his neck. He looked so beautiful when he smiled like that. “Pick me up and hold open all the doors?”

Robert nodded so fiercely he was sure his brain got a concussion.

“Sounds good. When?”

“When’re you free?” Robert dipped his chin. “Not to uh—sound eager or anything.”

Joseph looked around before getting in close. He wrapped his hand around Robert’s, kissed his cheek and whispered, “We’ve waited far too long for this. Eager’s good.”

Robert shivered.

“When’s your daughter leave?”

“Few days.”

“Can she be without you for a night?”

“I’m sure.” Robert’s throat was turning to cotton.

“Tomorrow night? We can go to Oakwood.”

Robert didn’t say anything back. He watched Joseph fix his hair, straighten out his sweater from around his shoulders and practically float out of the aisle with his cart. He made sure to shake his ass a little more than he would’ve normally. And Robert would know. He loved to watch that ass go.

Reality finally caught up and Robert gasped. He was going to go on a date with Joseph. One where no one would know but them. Not Mary, not Val—no one could break this for them. It would be just them again, like it was in the bed of the truck. Maybe Robert could get Joseph to really open up about himself like they’d done that night. All Robert wanted was to learn and learn and learn about Joseph. He wanted to learn where each freckle on his body was and his whole fucking life story. First word, favorite place to vacation. All of it.

Fuck. Robert Small was in _love_ with Joseph Christiansen.

* * *

“You sure this is a good idea?” Val asked. She was leaning against the wall, watching Robert change his shirt for the twelfth time. “Married man, remember?”

“I know, Val.” Robert winced. His tone had been more icy than he’d intended. Val didn’t seem phased. _My kid._

“No sex though, right?” Val came over and handed him a different shirt. “This’ll be better.”

Robert flung it on, surprised at how much nicer he looked in darker colors instead of bright. Joseph was the one who could pull off pinks and yellows. Robert enjoyed every shade of black and some red. Tonight, he would wear a black button down, black jeans and a belt. He looked completely like a biker guy ready for a funeral and honestly, that really didn’t bother him one bit.

“I don’t know. Things are—weird with him and me.”

“No. Sex.” Val still handed him a condom.

“You shouldn’t be giving your dad condoms.”

“You shouldn’t be fucking married men. At least don’t get anything from him. The last thing you need is his wife on your ass.”

Robert wanted to tell her the whole story about Mary and Joseph, but the clock was ticking and he really needed to get to their meeting spot to head out to Oakwood. He pat Val on the head, said his goodbyes and he was out the door with Betsy barking at the window.

He picked Joseph up from their agreed upon spot—the church. Joseph looked nice, khakis and a yellow polo. Robert liked it best though when he was in that hoodie. He’d looked so damn soft. Still, he leaned over and kissed Joseph on the cheek. Joseph hummed, turning to give Robert a wet open-mouth kissed. They stayed there, just exploring each other’s mouths and maybe feeling each other up. When Robert started getting hard, he pulled back, biting his lip.

“What?”

“N-nothing! Just—we’ve got a date to go on.”

Joseph smiled, nodding. “Yeah. We do.”

The restaurant was nice enough. It wasn’t _fancy_ but it wasn’t a dump either. Robert couldn’t explain how it felt somewhere in the middle, but it did. The walls were covered with fake art and photo prints. The decor meant to be older but too polished. It didn’t have the character Robert wished it did, but he’d reserve final judgement after eating. They were ushered to their seats in a corner (as requested) and started the night off with a nice bottle of wine.

“You planning on getting me drunk and then having your way with me?” Joseph asked from over the wine glass.

“Somethin’ like that.” Robert leaned his chin in one of his hands, watching the way Joseph’s adam’s apple bobbed as he drank. There was a beat of silence before Robert realized Joseph was just watching him. His face heated up and he looked away.

“I love when you do that.”

Robert bristled. “Do what?”

“Get all dreamy-eyed and then realize you’re doing it. It’s so sincere.”

“Whatever, well. Yeah.” Robert felt painfully out of his depth. Joseph was too quick for him and Robert wasn’t really good at taking compliments anyway.

“How’ve you been?” Joseph asked.

“No. Let’s not talk about that. Let’s talk about now.”

Joseph furrowed his brow, but waited for Robert to take the lead.

“You know how I feel about you, right?”

Joseph nodded.

“Then you know I’m not gonna be a dirty secret. I’m not gonna ask you to make a decision tonight but—but one day. One day I’ll ask and you’ll need to tell me. It could be a week. It could be a month. But it’ll happen. I’ll need to know.”

“And until then?” Joseph asked.

“Until then, I’ll play a dangerous game with you.” Robert looked up, watching the way Joseph licked the wine from his lips. “I’ll be your secret. Because I want you to be mine.”

Joseph reached over the table, grabbing Robert’s hands.

“I wish we were alone right now,” he said.

Robert raised a brow.

“I really want you to bend me over a table and fuck me.”

“Jesus!” Robert snatched his hand back like he’d been burned. “When you speak like that— _Jesus_.”

“Jesus isn’t the one talking. I am.” Joseph looked quite proud of himself, smile on his face, the apples of his cheeks nice and red. He sat up straight too, but one foot was trailing up and down Robert’s leg.

“This isn’t gonna be a nice date, is it?” Robert asked.

“If you mean you’re about to take me to a secluded area and fuck me in the bed of your truck, then no, it’s not gonna be a nice date. It’ll be a dirty one.”

“Fuck.”

Robert had never eaten so fast in his life.

* * *

Robert had found a place between Oakwood and Maple Bay that no one should be around. They scampered out of the cabin and into the back of the truck, kissing and yanking on each other’s clothes like they were schoolboys. Robert picked Joseph up, growling and grunting from the strain. He wouldn’t dare tell Joseph his knees were threatening to snap. Age was one hell of a thing. He tossed Joseph into the bed of the truck, crawling in after him.

Joseph liked it rough, and God the man was _handsy_. He was at Robert’s belt, undoing the damn thing and nibbling up Robert’s throat. Robert just kissed whatever he could, ignoring the tiny little voice in the back of his mind that said this was a mistake. He’d already sent himself down this path. He’d agreed to be a secret—for awhile.

Joseph got Robert’s pants down over his ass and squeezed as hard as he could. Robert rocked forward, letting his cock rub up against Joseph’s. He shivered, the heat from their bodies wavering off them and the bite in the air around them. Fuck, _fuck_ , Robert had missed this.

Lips clashed again, sloppy and with more teeth than two grown men should’ve given, but that didn’t stop them. They rubbed up against each other, shifting when their cocks slipped wrong. Joseph put his hands between them, pumping at them and twirling a finger around the tip of Robert’s dick.

“J-Jesus!”

“Shhh, don’t say His name. He’s not the one fuckin’ you right now.”

“Holy—Joseph—”

Joseph’s lips curled into a sinister smile, eyes glinting. “That’s better.” Joseph scooted back more, bringing Robert in between his thighs. He held Robert down with the strength of his hands twisting in the fabric of Robert’s under shirt. The black button down had been quickly discarded and the buttons had flown everywhere.

“Fuck me,” Joseph said against Robert’s ear. “Fuck me so hard, please, please I want it. I’ve been so good waitin’ for you.”

Robert felt heat pool in his chest. _So good waitin’ for you_. The words woke something inside, something deeply territorial and horribly inhuman. Robert bit down on Joseph’s neck, hard enough he knew the mark would last. He wanted the world to know this man was _his_ and his alone. Not Mary’s, not the church’s—his.

Joseph gasped, his head tilted to the side so Robert could lap at the bite he’d left.

“I want you,” Joseph said again, “you and only you.”

Robert grabbed Joseph by the hair, twisting the man’s face up to his for another kiss. He growled into it, rocking his hips and getting his cock to slide back and forth with Joseph’s. He was sweating despite the cool of the night. He pushed Joseph back, watching the man’s body slam into the back of the truck. Joseph’s eyes were wide before he smirked when Robert grabbed him by the hips and flipped him over.

Robert bit down on Joseph’s asscheeks, one by one. He trailed his tongue between them and lapped a thick stripe up. Joseph gasped, arching back into Robert’s tongue. Robert grabbed Joseph’s dick, pumping and squeezing in an awkward rhythm. His focus wasn’t there. He swirled his tongue around Joseph’s rim, teasing it with a dip here and there inside. Joseph was shaking, mumbling out words Robert couldn’t hear or understand.

Robert liked giving Joseph exactly what he wanted. Joseph liked being held down, pinned and fucked. He liked being the pretty little piece on another man’s dick and Robert was only here to serve. He spat onto a finger, swirling it around Joseph’s hole before slipping it in. He pumped it back and forth, curling it over Joseph’s prostate.

Joseph’s head snapped up, gasping and stringing out a slew of curses.

Robert’s tongue traced along the man’s rim, sucking and teeth biting. When he pulled back, Joseph’s ass was a mess of red from beardburn, teeth, and fingers pulling at it. He brought a hand over it, finger dipping into the crack to circle around Joseph’s rim.

“You like this don’tcha?” Robert growled.

“Yes.” A breathy response. God, Robert would die a happy man if that’s all he heard for the rest of his life. “M-more. More, God—fuck me.”

“Blaspheming, minister!” Robert gave a cautionary smack to Joseph’s ass. “Is that any way to behave?”

Joseph whimpered, dropping his head to the floor, ass up.

Robert nibbled his way down Joseph’s asscheeks, tongue darting out to lap at the man’s balls and perineum. He left a trail of sparkling saliva in his wake, red lines from nails digging into the man’s ass and just for emphasis, he bit down again, harder this time to leave a nice circular bite mark on the side of Joseph’s ass.

Robert got out his condom, slipping it on and breaking open a lube packet. He coated himself up before sidling up to Joseph’s hole. “You want this?”

“Yes. Oh, yes, yes, yes, please, yes.”

Robert pushed in, slow and careful. It didn’t matter how much Joseph begged for more, Robert knew better. He’d be gentle at first, let Joseph’s body relax and expand before railing into the man and changing up his insides. He thrust a few times, a few cautionary, easy thrusts.

Joseph was mewling, snapping his hips back.

Robert moved them so that he was sitting and Joseph was on top. Joseph liked it better that way—in charge and setting the pace. Joseph’s thanks was a quick kiss on the lips before he was bouncing up and down on Robert’s dick. His head rolled back and Robert raked his gaze over Joseph’s beautifully sculpted body. He didn’t have the dad gut like Robert had. His body was chiseled and smooth. Robert was hairy and the whisky gut would probably rather die than thin out. Then again, that would require Robert to stop drinking to get that sculpted of a body and _fuck_ that nonsense.

Joseph dropped his head to Robert’s shoulder, circling his hips and pulling out a groan from Robert. “This is good.”

“Y-yeah,” Robert said back. He turned to kiss Joseph, soft and sweet. Their noses brushed up against each other’s, breath mixing. Robert traced his fingers up and down Joseph’s back. “Did I hurt you?”

Joseph laughed. “You could never hurt me, Robert.”

Robert frowned.

“Don’t look so sad.” Joseph clenched his ass around Robert’s dick, pulling out a strangled moan from the man beneath him. “That just means you’ll have to go harder next time.” He continued bouncing on Robert’s dick. Robert watched, mesmerized as Joseph’s pecs bounced right along. He reached up, grabbing them and fingering one nipple. “Oh that’s good.”

Robert pulled Joseph closer, kissing and sucking at the man’s chest. He swirled his tongue over a nipple, biting down lightly, but it was enough to make Joseph clench around him. Thrusting became harder, Robert’s back starting to burn from discomfort. The bed of the truck was by no means comfortable and Robert wasn’t in the shape he used to be in. But for Joseph? He’d break his fucking back for the guy.

Joseph eventually moved them so he was lying on the truck with Robert between his legs. It helped with the back issue, but then it meant Robert had to do all the work. He grabbed Joseph’s dick, spitting down to give it some friction as he pumped it. He rocked his hips fast enough, slamming into Joseph’s prostate.

Joseph let out a mangled scream when he came, body shaking, muscles working around Robert’s cock to make him get closer to his own climax. Robert was a piece of shit, but he wasn’t an asshole. Joseph always got to come first. It was part of Robert’s code. Whoever he was with _always_ got to come first.

He thrust into Joseph a few more times before pulling out, feeling his balls pinching up and heat swelling around his tummy. Joseph knew exactly what to do. They’d done it before after all. Joseph was on his knees, mouth open and ready as Joseph came on his face. He pushed his dick into Joseph’s mouth and Joseph accepted it like it was the body of Christ. He sucked, looking up through dark eyelashes, head bobbing up and down on Robert’s dick.

“F-fuck,” Robert breathed out. “You’re so goddamn beautiful.” He caressed Joseph’s cheek, smearing come around. He liked it when Joseph looked wrecked and sated. He pulled his cock out to rest on Joseph’s lips, watching as the man opened his mouth and slowly accepted it again, nice and slow. Robert’s eyes rolled into the back of his head. Joseph’s mouth was warm and the way he sucked was so sweet and reverent. His fingers were on Robert’s ass, massaging and squeezing. Robert eventually collapsed when he couldn’t take the overstimulation anymore. He pulled Joseph into his arms, pressing his face to the man’s shoulder.

Joseph wiped at his face, lapping up the come and swallowing it down. Fuck, Robert could watch that all day. “That was good,” Joseph said.

“Yeah.” Robert would be sore the next day, but would it ever be worth it. He kissed Joseph’s shoulder again, nuzzling into the man’s neck. “You’re so beautiful.”

Joseph blushed, biting his lip the way Robert liked. He smeared some come on Robert’s lips and laughed as Robert’s eyes went wide. Just to fuck with Joseph, Robert licked his lips clean and then moved in for a kiss. Joseph’s mouth was open, tongue ready to greet Robert’s. The kiss was slow and languid. The world could die in this very moment and Robert wouldn’t give a flying fuck. He had what he wanted now, even if there were enough strings to tie Robert into an early grave. A married man. Didn’t matter if Mary gave some kind of blessing for this. The issue was, Robert was supposed to tell Mary what was going on. This was now a secret.

“I’m gonna get hard if we keep this up,” Joseph said, rubbing his nose against Robert’s.

“So get hard. I’ll suck you off.”

Joseph hummed, delighted. He kissed Robert again, tracing his tongue along Robert’s top lip. “You’re a good kisser,” he said against Robert’s lips.

“Mmm so’re you.”

Joseph turned, straddling Robert. He kissed hard, rocking his hips into Robert’s. Robert felt Joseph’s cock harden between them. He wrapped a few fingers around it, pumping it nice and slow. Joseph sighed into the kiss, still rocking his pretty hips. Robert fingered at the underside of Joseph’s tip, giving it a few taps for good measure. Joseph shivered, whining into the kiss.

“You’re amazing,” Joseph said, “so amazing.”

“You too.” Robert felt hazy. His body floated on an orgasm, the love of his life right there with him. He didn’t want to come back to reality. He wanted to stay in this bubble of theirs forever. “Are you happy when you’re not with me?”

Joseph frowned, sitting back. He shrugged a single shoulder, but he couldn’t meet Robert’s gaze. “Happy enough I think. I love my children and—Mary’s—she’s a good wife.”

“Is she allowed to cheat on you too?”

“If she wanted. The problem is that she doesn’t.”

“Why not?”

Joseph shook his head. “She’s never told me. I’ve kind of just assumed it’s because she really does love me. But—I don’t know.”

Robert felt guilt, like sand, pouring into his body. He felt heavier, holding Joseph became harder. Eventually he just flattened out on the bed of the truck, staring up at the sky. He was starting to get cold.

“She’s my best friend,” Robert said.

“I know.”

“And I’m fucking her husband.”

Joseph leaned over to place a kiss on Robert’s lips. “Don’t think about her now, please. Just think about me. We’ve wanted this, yes? I have.”

Robert nodded. That earned him a delighted little sound from Joseph and a kiss.

“So let’s forget about the world and just be present with each other.” He caressed Robert’s face, nosing along the man’s stubbly jaw. “And open your mouth cause I’m gonna fuck it.”

Robert did, and if it ached tomorrow, he really wouldn’t give a shit.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Please don't forget to leave kudos and if you feel like it, a comment! Part 2 (the final part!) will be up next week!  
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> 
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> Or my twitter. I have one of those too <3 [@ghostbuckster](https://twitter.com/ghostbuckster)


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pay attention to the updated tags!
> 
> This is not beta read! Expect typos! If there's anything you're unable to comprehend, please let me know!

Robert did ache the next day. His lower back ached, his jaw ached, the scratches along his shoulders ached. His neck hurt when he turned it a particular way. But despite that ache, he felt _good_. Joseph had left a few goodnight texts for Robert to wake up to. He scrolled them, smiling while he brewed a morning coffee.

**Joseph: Last night was fun. Please let’s do it again soon.**

**Joseph: Your mouth was nice ;)**

**Joseph: Have you been working out? The way you rammed me. FUCK.**

**Joseph: You looked good under me. I want that again.**

“What’re you smiling at?” Val asked as she padded into the kitchen. She opened the refrigerator and pulled out the milk.

“Oh. Nothing.” Robert closed his phone and grabbed a mug.

Val scrutinized him with a careful eye. She shrugged, getting a bowl and the chocolate cheerios that Joseph had suggested. Robert smiled, watching her pour them. He would call that a win.

“How’d your date go? You were out late.”

“Good.” Robert grabbed his coffee, pulling it to his chest and letting the steam open up his sinuses.

“Just good? Did you use that condom I gave you?”

Robert went red. “Val!”

She laughed, bringing her bowl over to the couch. She sat down, still smiling. Her hair was up in a high ponytail and she wore no makeup. Like this, Robert could see how much she looked like him. They had the same complexion, the same eyes and lips. He smiled, proud of her and she wasn’t even doing anything all that deserving of pride except eating her cereal.

“What?” Val raised a brow. “You’re staring at me. Weirdo.”

“Sorry.” Robert joined her in the living room. “I’m just happy you’re here.”

“Me too.” Val smiled and went back to her cereal. They both sat in silence, Robert drinking his coffee and Val with her cereal. Robert looked over to his wet bar and realized he hadn’t gotten drunk at all last night. He’d stayed utterly sober and for some reason, the thought kind of horrified him.

He went over to the wet bar, grabbing some Irish Coffee and dumping it into his coffee as he would a creamer. Val pretended not to notice, but Robert saw the way her shoulders slumped.

Robert looked to the spiked coffee and then to Val. He smiled, going back over to the kitchen and dumping the coffee out. “Eh. I don’t need it.”

Val’s smile was beaming.

“We should do something today,” Robert said. “Feel like goin’ to a movie tonight? We could go to the harbor and rent a paddle boat or something. Get lunch at Joe’s Crab Shack.”

“That all sounds great,” Val said. “And Dad, I know—alcoholics—they need alcohol or they get sick. So, if you feel sick today. I’ll bring a little flask. Just cause—I don’t want you sick.”

Robert saw the sorrow on his daughter’s face. She looked away, brows pulled in and lips pursed. Robert felt ashamed. He knew he was an alcoholic, but hearing his daughter say it, hearing her say she’d _bring a flask_. It hurt. Robert didn’t want to be this guy. He wanted to be a sober man who didn’t need alcohol to make himself get through a day. He wanted to be the dad she had deserved.

“I’ll get dressed,” Val said.

Robert watched her leave the living room and go into the guest bedroom. He sighed, looking out the back windows. Betsy was out in the yard, probably chasing a bird or something. Robert trudged into the bedroom and looked for something to wear for himself for their father-daughter date today. He elected a pair of jeans, a plain T-shirt and some beat up old sneakers. He wasn’t going to dress as fancy as he had the previous night with Joseph. He didn’t really have enough fancy clothes to be frivolous with them.

Once ready, Robert waited for almost an hour for Val to get her makeup on and do her hair. He sat on the sofa, bored. He’d missed the years where Val was learning how to do makeup. But sitting here, he felt like there was some higher being laughing at him as he had to wait. Payback, he could practically hear it whisper.

He pulled out his phone, texting Joseph.

**Robert: Hey. You busy?**

**Joseph: I’m baking brownies with Christie. No. Y?**

**Robert: Waiting 4 Val to get ready. We’re going on a father-daughter date.**

**Joseph: You’ve been going on lots of dates lately ;)**

**Joseph: I can still feel you inside me. I’m sore all over**

**Joseph: Also you left a dangerous mark on my neck. I had to use MAKEUP to hide it from Mary!**

Robert snorted, ears reddening. He hovered his thumbs over the touch screen, wondering what he could say back.

**Robert: Me too. Back’s killin me.**

**Joseph: HA! My ass is sore!**

**Robert: Mouth feels like you fucked me with more than one dick.**

**Joseph: Well, the Lord did bless me with a large one ;)**

**Robert: Don’t bring God into this! Gross!**

“Hey, you ready?” Val asked as she came out of the guest room. She wore a red dress with a cropped leather jacket over it. Her ears were adorned with big gold jewelry and her hair was still up in a high pony but was curled, a few strands around her face, also curled. Eyes all dolled up. She was so beautiful. Robert couldn’t stop being proud of how beautiful she was.

“Yeah. Let’s go kiddo.”

“Daaaaad!”

Robert pulled her in and gave her a light, playful nudge on the cheek. She flicked his nose. They piled into the truck and together took off for town.

The day was easy for the most part. Robert liked paddling out in the harbor with Val and listening to her talk about her girlfriend and her job. He found himself listening more than talking, but that was fine. He didn’t want to talk. Val’s life was filled with friends, a good job, and crafted with her humor. She made jokes that Robert would and created stories that would even fool Robert for a moment. She’d even gotten him to believe she had fallen down a flight of stairs and had to have a knee replacement. He should’ve known better.

Robert didn’t start feeling shakey till lunch. They sat at the table out by the harbor, the breeze in both their hair. Robert frowned, staring at the menu and realizing none of it sounded good when he was starting to break out in a sweat.

“Dad,” she said.

He looked up, watching her pull the flask out of her jacket.

“N-no.”

“You need it. It’s okay. You did good today.”

Robert put his hand under the table and waited for her to hand it to him. No one seemed to be looking and the waiter wasn’t around anyway. He took a few gulps and set the flask by his thigh so it was hidden when the waiter came back.

Val smiled, nodding.

Robert felt gross. He was addicted to alcohol just like he was addicted to cigarettes. Only with cigarettes, it didn’t seem like such an issue. Val looked like she smoked, but Robert had never seen her light up at all.

“Do you smoke?”

“Nah. Sometimes I’ll vape.”

“Really—vape? Ugh.”

“Don’t knock it! It’s a lot healthier anyway.”

Robert rolled his eyes. The water came back and they ordered their meals. Robert with his unsettled stomach decided he should stick to terf and ordered a chicken sandwich. Val went for the crab. The meal was nice. Robert learned more about Val’s upbringing and the men in her life. Her mother married a nice enough guy and he took Val to museums all over the country. He was a paleontologist. That was cool, Robert guessed.

After lunch, Robert waited for Val to get out of the bathroom. He peaked at his phone, seeing if Joseph had texted him.

**Joseph: God is in all things, Robert. Even my ass ;)**

**Joseph: Okay that was a bad one. I’ll pray for forgiveness later.**

**Joseph: Do you want some brownies? Maybe Val?**

Robert laughed, looking at the stream of texts that Joseph had left while Robert had been focused on Val. He hit the compose text option and thought of something to say.

**Robert: Brownies sound good. Your ass sounds better though.**

Instantly a new text appeared.

**Joseph: When Val goes to sleep you could have both? We can sneak around like kids.**

**Robert: Isn’t that what we’ve been doing?**

“Who ya textin’” Val asked.

“Oh. Uh. My buddy Joseph.”

Val pursed her lips but she didn’t comment. Together they walked out of the Crab Shack and onto their next adventure. They had some time to kill, so Robert decided to take Val shopping. It ended up backfiring though because Robert would find the nearest chair to sit in while Val shopped and Robert held her purse. He joined the other dads and boyfriends while the women shopped. At least he could talk to Joseph this way. He felt guilty about that. He should’ve been over with Val, getting to listen to more of her stories and what she likes. He should’ve been finding out what kind of clothes she liked so Robert could get her something nice for Christmas. But no, he was texting Joseph about his ass.

**Robert: You tasted good last night.**

**Joseph: Fuck, I’m with my kids.**

**Robert: So am I. I can’t stop thinking about it. My tongue inside you.**

**Joseph: Uggghhhh fffuuucckkk! I’ll get hard!**

**Robert: Wanna do it again. Flick my tongue on your ass, get you begging for me. I’ll bet I could get you to beg.**

**Joseph: Robert Small. You are a sinner.**

**Robert: You like it.**

**Joseph: I really REALLY do. Hey, you gonna come to the church festival? Val could meet my kids.**

**Robert: When’s that?**

**Joseph: Tomorrow????? I’ve put up flyers all over town! How’d you miss them?!**

**Robert: I’m me.**

**Joseph: That’s fair. So you’ll come?**

**Robert: Sure. I’ll ask Val.**

**Joseph: Oh and Robert? If anyone is begging. It’s you.**

Val came up, holding a few shopping bags and sporting a pair of new sunglasses. “Ya like?”

“I do. Use my credit card?”

“I did.” Val winked. “I haven’t gone retail theraping in a long time. This is nice. Thanks, Dad.”

“You don’t mind that I’m—not really involved in it?”

“Pff, nah. I mean, you only abandoned me as a child. What’s leaving me to fend for myself around all these sales.”

Robert’s face paled.

“Oh. Oh God! That’s! I’m sorry! I meant that as a joke but when it came out that was just awful. I’m sorry!”

Robert grabbed his heart. “My arm. It’s—numb.”

“What? DAD! Someone he’s having a heart attack!” Several people came closer, one woman pulling her phone out.

Robert fell to his knees and then he couldn’t take it anymore. He started to laugh.

“What? Wait—ARE YOU SERIOUS YOU DON’T JOKE ABOUT THAT!”

Robert held his gut, laughing. He pointed up at Val, the other people sporting looks of flat distaste and walking away. “You should’ve seen your face! Oh man!”

“You ass!” Val kicked him lightly but there was a smile on her face too. “Okay-okay. You win.”

“Always do, kid.” Robert stood up, straightening out his shirt. He decided to grab a new pair of sunglasses before leaving. After paying, he put his arm around Val and together they strolled the street, looking into windows to see if anything Val would like. Robert would feel it in his wallet later, but right now, he was spending time with his daughter and that made it all worth it.

* * *

The festival smelled like cotton candy and roasted peanuts. Robert inhaled deeply, taking it all in. He liked festivals. Children shrieked and sirens blared over by the games. Corn dog stands, games with cheap stuffed animals and rides of questionable security lined the fairgrounds.

Val grabbed Robert’s hand, delighted. She pulled her father along to a booth with glass jars and some softballs. “Think you can get me a teddy bear?”

“Sure sweetheart.” He paid an absurd amount for three softballs and took aim.

“Oh, what’s this?” Mary slunk up, leaning a hip on the table.

“I’m gonna win my daughter a teddy bear.” Robert smirked.

“Oh, this your daughter? I’m Mary, I’m the minister’s wife. It’s our church’s festival.”

“Oh great! Yeah, I’m Val. Robert’s kid.” They shook hands.

“Alright, silence from the peanut gallery.” Robert took aim and threw at the glass bottles. He only knocked one off. “What?!”

“Oh wow, Dad.” Val giggled.

Mary rolled her eyes.

“Okay-okay. Just a warm up.” Robert narrowed his eyes. It was game on. He threw the ball harder this time, knocking three of the bottles. Four remained. If he shot for the middle, he’d leave the two on the sides. He had to go at this at an angle, which ran the risk of missing entirely. He would not be bested by this game in front of his daughter.

Raising his chin, he took a few steps to the side and aimed up.

“Good luck, Dad.”

Robert threw. He watched the bottles explode, one swirling. “Oh c’mon!” Then it fell.

“YES!” Val pumped her hands in the air and Mary clapped.

“Here’s the bear,” the game worker said, handing it to Val.

Val pulled it close, smiling. She pulled out her phone and handed it to Mary. “Would you mind taking a picture of me and my dad?”

“Sure.”

Robert got close, proud that he could do this for his daughter. They’d had a great day yesterday and today it seemed it would keep that up. Mary snapped a few pictures and then handed the phone to Val. Val texted the picture to Robert and kissed his cheek. That had been unexpected. Robert touched where she’d kissed, staring at her. Val rolled her eyes.

“Let’s get some cotton candy!” Val started moving toward one of the cotton candy booths.

Robert was in line when Joseph came up to him, Val and Mary. He hugged Mary, kissing her on the cheek. Robert looked between Val and the Christiansens. He didn’t know how to signal that this man was the one he was secretly messing around with.

“Val, this is Joseph. He’s the minister of our church and Mary’s husband.”

“Nice to meet you!” Val shook his hand.

“You’re his daughter? You’re absolutely beautiful.” Of course Joseph was charming. He was always charming. “I’m shocked a guy like Robert could help making someone so beautiful.”

Val blushed, averting her eyes. “Well, my mom did most of the work.”

“Of course she did,” Mary said. “We do all the work.” She shot Joseph a glare that went noticed by everyone.

Joseph cleared his throat, his ears turning pink. “Are you two enjoying the fair?”

“Yeah! Dad won me a teddy bear.” Val showed it to Joseph, her smile wide. It didn’t matter that she was in her twenties, she was still a kid at heart and her dad had just won her a bear.

“Nice aiming. I’m terrible at those games.”

“Where’re your kids?” Robert asked the couple. It was weird, standing here between Joseph, a man he’d had his cock in a few nights ago, his daughter and the wife of said man he’d had his cock in a few nights ago.

“They’re around somewhere. Chris is watching them.” Mary shrugged.

“I thought you were supposed to be watching them,” Joseph said low, but loud enough for everyone to hear.

Val frowned.

“Uh, what kind of cotton candy do you want, Val?” Robert asked to try to divert the awkward tension.

“Purple and blue?”

“Sure.” He turned his attention to the attendant, ordering what Val wanted. He could hear Mary and Joseph speaking, but what they were talking about, he didn’t care as he kept focus on the cotton candy attendant. He watched the teen scoop out the cotton candy, mesmerized by how the teen pedaled to spin the sugar around and placed the cone inside to collect the sugary treat. The kid handed Robert the giant puff of cotton candy and Robert paid in cash.

“Thanks, Dad,” Val said taking the cotton candy.

“We’re going to head over to the bingo area to start calling out numbers. Do you wanna join us?” Joseph asked.

“Oh uh—” Robert looked to Val.

“Can we play?”

Joseph smiled. “Absolutely. I’ll sneak you an extra card.”

“Joseph,” Mary chided, but from her expression she really didn’t care.

“Then I’m game.”

They found Christian and Christie along the way to the bingo patio. The twins delighted in saying classic horror lines while Val continued feeding them the lines. Mary was absolutely peeved but Joseph was laughing right along, recalling the horror movies and how much he enjoyed them. Joseph and Robert bumped hands a few times. Joseph looked over at Robert, smirking.

Robert smiled back, nudging into Joseph’s shoulder. They fell back from the group they’d gathered, out of earshot.

“Havin’ fun?”

“Yeah, it’s been nice actually. Val’s great.”

“She seems like it.” Joseph smiled toward the group. “Can’t believe my little girl’s gonna grow up that big one day.”

“Yeah,” Robert looked forward, watching Val and Christie, “it happened so fast.”

“I’ll blink and I’ll be old as you.”

“Watch it, Christiansen.” Robert glared, but he couldn’t hide the smirk on his lips.

Joseph smiled back, nudging into Robert. “I like my men older.”

“I’ll bet you do.”

“Hey slowpokes, c’mon!” Christie waved them over. “You gotta be on the stage, Daddy!”

“I’ll be there sweet pea!” Joseph called. He turned to look at Robert, shrugged and jogged forward to join with the group.

Val waited back, eyes narrow and lips pursed. Robert felt his ears go pink. She folded her arms across her chest, leaned her weight on one leg and tilted her head to the side.

“What?”

“He’s the one you’re sleeping with?”

Robert shushed her, pulling her away from Mary and the other kids. The other Christiansen children joined them at the bingo patio and the last thing Robert needed was them overhearing Val.

“So, you said you were sleeping with a married man, but a _minister_?!” Val kept her voice down, but there was an edge to it. Disapproval hedged into almost anger and Robert cringed.

“It’s complicated, Val.”

“I’ll bet. He’ll _never_ leave her and he probably—has some kind of freaky dungeon where he whips himself after you two get together.”

“Woah! Joseph is _not_ like that.”

“You would say that,” Val answered quickly. She marched away, joining Christie and Christian over at their bingo table. Robert didn’t feel up to playing. He wandered the festival, watching families and friends. He’d bumped into Brian and his kid over by the dog show and Craig at the game area.

Being alone felt _horrible_. Robert didn’t know what he was going to do when Val left. Betsy was good company, but she wasn’t _human._ Robert didn’t like talking about emotions, but with Val, it didn’t feel so bad. Joseph, of course, opened Robert up like a book. They were the only ones, and maybe Hugo. But Robert hated those moments because he knew a lecture was coming. Being alone sucked and Robert could barely stand it walking among children and people. How was he supposed to deal with it when Val left tomorrow and Joseph would go home to his wife every night?

The answer? He’d drink and forget about his problems like he did most nights. Robert was a piece of shit. Why was he pretending to be anything else?

* * *

“I’m gonna miss you, Dad.” Val hugged Robert tight, kissing his cheek. “This was a good time.”

“Yeah. It was.”

“Call me? And—please—stay smart?”

“You mean about Joseph?”

“I mean about everything. But yeah. Mostly that.”

Robert ruffled up Val’s hair, smiling kindly. He stood there, watching her wheel her luggage into the security line and she gave a loose wave before turning and beginning to take her shoes off and shove her things through security.

Robert already felt lonely. After he drove back home, he sat in his living room and stared at the room. Val had been on _that_ couch. They’d watched _that_ movie. They put candy and chips on _that_ coffee table.

Robert was ready to completely begin a self-wallowing display but then the doorbell rang. Annoyed, Robert shuffled over to the door and was prepared to bite whoever’s head it was off. But then he saw Joseph and that plan died in a fucking fire.

“Hello,” Joseph said.

“Hey.”

“I thought you’d might like company? Since Val left.”

Robert loved seeing Joseph, but this was extra special. Joseph had been _thinking_ about Robert, concerned with his well-being. He knew how Robert felt. That made Robert feel all tingly inside. Robert opened the door wider, smiling. Joseph stepped in, taking his sweater off from around his shoulders and hanging it up on the coat rack. He walked into the kitchen and opened the fridge, poking around.

“What’re you doing?”

“Finding something for us to share.”

“You don’t have to cook for me.”

Joseph stepped back, huffing and putting his hands on his hips. “Well I certainly won’t be cooking when you have nothing but condiments and questionable jarred foods in here. What’s in your pantry?”

Robert deadpanned.

“Right. I should’ve expected as much. Well, what do you have to drink? We can just get drunk and cuddle.”

“That sounds nice.” Robert followed Joseph over to the wet bar. He watched the man take out two glasses, one of Robert’s finer liqueur and dropped two ice cubes in each. He handed Robert his glass by pushing it against Robert’s sternum and smiling like a wolf up at Robert. Robert took the glass, blinking.

Joseph moved into the living room and sat down, patting the couch.

Robert followed. Because of course he would. He’d follow Joseph into hell if it was asked of him.

“Mary’s been—unusually nice to me. “

Robert really didn’t want to talk about Mary right now. He settled in next to Joseph and Joseph pulled the blanket over them and rested his head on Robert’s chest. Robert gently rubbed his fingers through Joseph’s soft blond hair. He leaned in close, taking in Joseph’s shampoo scent. Lemons? Berries? Robert was always shit at guessing artificial scents. He used bar soap himself. It smelled like pine needles.

“Why?” Robert asked. He didn’t want to, but he sensed Joseph needed him to.

“I don’t know. That’s the frightening part. I came home and she was baking cookies with the kids. She never does that. She even kissed me. In front of the kids of course, but—she never does that either.”

Robert didn’t know what to say back, so he just kept stroking his fingers through Joseph’s hair. Mary was preparing for something, that much was certain. But Robert didn’t know, and clearly Joseph didn’t either.

“You with me up there?” Joseph reached his hand up, cupping Robert’s face and stroking his thumb over Robert’s beard.

“Yeah—I’m here.”

“Have you told her anything? About us?”

“What? No!” Wait, yes he did. He talked about the time out in the forest. He hadn’t talked about the date and certainly not the _sex_ part. “Well, I maybe told her we had a fight. That time in the forest.”

“Oh. That couldn’t be it.”

Robert cocked a brow.

“It’s new.”

“Well I can’t help you,” Robert said.

Joseph shifted. He straddled Robert, running his hands up and down Robert’s chest. “You wanna skip all this and just fuck me? Maybe let me fuck you?”

“I’m—I’m really not in the mood. I keep looking around here thinking about Val.”

Joseph sulked but he didn’t press the issue. He lay back down on Robert’s chest and nuzzled in. “You’re so proud of her. Every time you looked at her, your eyes got all misty and you had the most adorable smile on your face.”

“I did not!”

“Yes you did!” Joseph laughed, flicking Robert’s nose. “You’re so proud.”

“Yeah well—her mom did okay.”

“She loves you too, you know. I saw that too.”

Robert sighed. He had enough talking about himself. He tucked a finger under Joseph’s chin and brought him into a gentle kiss.

“You’re trying to change the subject,” Joseph whispered against Robert’s lips.

“And you’re not trying to?”

“Okay. You win.” Joseph kissed Robert again, this time more eager. He explored Robert’s mouth, running his tongue along the bottom lip. Joseph snaked his hands into Robert’s hair and held him in place. Joseph played coy sometimes but when he wanted something, he took it. Aggression and prowess tumbled out in waves as Joseph grew more eager. His hands wandered down, breath quickening.

Robert pulled back, earning himself a whimper from Joseph. “I said I’m not in the mood, Joseph. Please.”

“What are you in the mood for?” came Joseph’s breathy reply.

“Lying here. I’ve got a lot of thoughts in my head and I just need to think about them.”

“Can I help?”

“No. You’re part of ‘em.”

Joseph frowned. He nibbled down Robert’s jaw and then settled his head back on Robert’s chest again.

Snuggled up like this, Robert felt tired, but it wasn’t the kind he felt day in and day out. It was the cozy, warm and loved type that people got when they curled up with a lover or a good book. It was the kind that signaled hot cocoa before bed and quick goodnight kisses. Robert nuzzled Joseph’s hair, kissing his crown.

“Mmm,” Joseph hummed.

Robert closed his eyes, warm from Joseph and too cozy to keep thinking about the shit show that his life had become. He wanted to live in the moment for now, and with Joseph with him, that moment seemed to be quite okay.

* * *

The Jim N Kim was crowded for the football game. Patrons, sporting both teams’ jerseys lined the bar, filtered into the booths and stood around the pool table. Robert nursed his whiskey, not really caring. He liked football. He liked one of the teams playing. He didn’t really have the energy to be invested. Mary sat beside him, tapping her nails on the table, looking bored. She didn’t care for football.

“Any news?” she asked.

“Huh?”

“Don’t be an idiot. I saw the mark on Joseph’s neck. He thinks he can steal my foundation and hide it?” Her eyes widened. “Wait, that was _you_ , right?”

“Oh. Shit, Mary.” Guilt filled Robert’s legs like led. He scratched the back of his head, cringing. “I got distracted with Val.”

“It’s okay. So spill it. Where are we with our plan?”

Robert sat back in his seat. He bit his lip, pondering how he’d get out of this. The short answer was that he couldn’t. He could, in theory, just tell Mary that he didn’t want to be involved anymore. But he’d slept with Joseph once before, a time that Robert didn’t know Mary was his wife and Robert couldn’t forgive himself for that. But how was that any different than what he was doing now? He was still hiding and creeping around Mary. She had no idea how far gone Robert was for Joseph. He was still just the jackass who took a woman for granted and abused her trust. Robert felt sick.

The crowd around the Jim N Kim roared and that gave Robert a moment to look up and collect himself. He watched one of the players do a touchdown dance. He wished he could come clean and just spill it all out. But the second he confessed, he would lose Mary. He didn’t want to lose her. She was his best friend. She was a woman who needed a friend and Robert couldn’t abandon her like that.

“We made out. I bit him cause—I kinda wanted you to see it, in case he tried to hide.”

Mary snorted. “Oh he tried. So what’s next? When’re you gonna sleep with him? You have to tell me when and where.”

“Why? Mary—please why? Just—I can’t do this if it’s gonna hurt either of you.”

Mary looked around the room, slowly licking her lips. She sighed, staring down at her wine. “Not here.”

Robert stood up, offered out his arm and waited. Mary gulped down her wine and together, they left the crowded bar and went into the cold night. They walked in silence until they found a bench in front of one of the pottery stores. Robert remembered walking past the store with Val. She’d peaked in, commented on how expensive everything was, and then that had been it.

“Joseph and I aren’t so different,” she said.

Robert turned in, his knees bumping Mary’s. His palms were sweaty and his heart raced. He’d wondered day in and day out about why Joseph and Mary stayed together when it was so clear they didn’t want to. It was like watching the climax of a movie. Robert tried to guess on his own but he knew whatever it truly was, it would be nothing like what he thought.

“We’re both from Christian families of questionable practice. I was lucky to find him. We became friends before we married. I didn’t know he was gay. I think he would’ve rather died than admit it back then. But we both had fathers who were terrifying.”

Robert stayed quiet.

“I did fall in love with Joseph.” Mary’s brows were pulled together, her voice tight. “I thought I was so _blessed_ to find him. He was charming, so well mannered and he wouldn’t even touch me. I grew—ah fuck.” Mary pushed her fists into her eyes, taking in a shaky breath. “I don’t think I can do this.”

Robert looked away. “We don’t have to.”

“Just know that you’re not hurting us, and this will help me. I’m not trying to hurt Joseph either. I’m just trying—God—it’s so stupid!”

Robert put his arm around Mary and she folded into him. She laughed softly, looking up. “I think my dad would’ve hated you and now I wish I’d met you before Joseph.”

Robert didn’t know how to take that. He loved Mary, absolutely. But his love for Mary was more the way a brother loved a sister. Mary probaby didn’t love Robert any differently than a brother and sister either. But maybe under different circumstances they would’ve found each other, and maybe under different circumstances, their loves would’ve been different.

“You’re not in danger are you?” Robert asked.

Mary crinkled her nose. “Not if I get what I need. So help me, please. Joseph and I run in a pattern. He’s always more agreeable when he feels guilty and I need him to feel guilty to agree to what I need.”

But they’d already slept together. Joseph wasn’t showing any signs of backing away or feeling guilty. He texted Robert filthy text messages, and he’d come over just to get drunk and cuddle. Robert needed to talk to Joseph. Maybe there was a way to protect both of them without having to force Joseph into a guilt-ridden state where he backed away from Robert. It was selfish, yes, but Robert didn’t want to walk away from this as the one who was all alone again. Robert couldn’t go back to being alone.

Robert was a shit human, a shit friend, and a _monster_ when it came to Joseph and Mary. He should’ve done the right thing and backed out now. But he didn’t. Because he loved Joseph so much it physically hurt, and he loved Mary so much he wanted her to get everything and more in life.

So he resigned himself to the black stain he would put on his soul for this.

* * *

Robert hadn’t had the heart to tell Mary he was seeing Joseph. She never seemed anxious or pressed for time, so Robert kept postponing the inevitable. He kept fucking Joseph behind her back.

Joseph was above Robert, swirling his hips and pulling Robert’s dick in and out of him. Robert’s hands were tied to the bed and like that, he’d never wanted anything more than to run his fingers down Joseph’s beautiful torso.

And Joseph knew it from the way his eyes glinted in the moonlight. They were on Robert’s bed, fucking slow and lazily. Robert was sweating, body positively vibrating from the pleasure Joseph was giving him.

Joseph bent in close, lips brushing against Robert’s. He hummed and leaned back again. Robert whined. Joseph wasn’t just good at tying knots, he was good at getting Robert to want out of the knots so desperately that Robert was sure he’d burst from his own skin.

“You feel good, baby?” Joseph asked. He grabbed Robert’s shoulders, digging his nails in.

Robert hissed, arching up. He couldn’t find words and instead just nodded dumbly. He couldn’t remember when this began anymore. They’d been—sitting? Eating? Something. Before he knew it, the sun was setting and Joseph was carrying him into the bedroom with promises to make him come so hard he’d cry from it. Now they were here.

Joseph undulated with pronounced body rolls, drawing Robert’s attention to the muscles that looked almost blue in the moonlight. Shadows danced across Joseph’s skin, teasing Robert that they could touch Joseph all they wanted and Robert couldn’t.

Robert whined again, pulling on his binding.

“Shhh,” Joseph leaned in for a kiss, “don’t hurt yourself, baby. I gotcha. Just trust me okay?”

Robert did trust Joseph. He’d do anything Joseph asked, he’d bark or quack or walk head on into traffic if Joseph asked. Fuck, _fuck_ he was so in love. He was so in love and he wasn’t even sure his heart could take it anymore. He felt like he was dying from how much he loved Joseph.

Robert struggled against the binding again. He liked it when Joseph tried to calm him.

Joseph smirked, cupping Robert’s face. He slipped off Robert’s dick and went to undo the knots.

“W-what’re you doing?!”

“Shh, baby.” Joseph kissed Robert’s cheek. “We’re not done, don’t worry. I just wanna make sure you don’t get hurt.”

Robert’s heart swelled. Joseph cared about him. The thought melted Robert’s bones, lulling him into a hazy space where the world ceased to exist and all that was, was Joseph. Robert’s vision tunneled as he watched Joseph’s beautiful face, shadows still dancing and shifting across it when he moved.

“C’mere.”

Robert obeyed. He balanced on his knees on the bed, watching as Joseph slipped knots around his shoulders, down his back and along his sternum. His cock was still hard, and when Joseph bumped it, he hissed from the sensation. Joseph didn’t pay it a lick of attention.

“Hold your arms behind your back.”

Robert did.

Joseph tied back Robert’s arms, but the knots weren’t as tight or constricting as they’d been just on his wrists. Robert tried to wiggle but the binds over his chest pulled and one of the ropes tightened around his neck.

“Careful, baby. Don’t pull too much. Be good for me okay?”

Robert nodded, still in that hazy space. It was like being drunk or underwater. But he was floating? His skin tingled where the ropes were. He shivered each time he felt Joseph’s hands on him. Joseph moved back, looking at what he’d done. He smirked, pleased with himself.

“You’re so fucking beautiful like this. God, look at you.”

Robert looked down. He was all done up in intricate knot work and binding. There were two ropes that went around his thighs and when he shifted, his balls grazed them. His eyes rolled back and he almost fell backward.

“Easy, Rob. Lemme take care of you, okay?”

Robert wanted that forever.

Joseph nuzzled into Robert’s neck, sucking softly. He paused to squirt lube into his hand and then reached between Robert’s thighs. Robert sighed when Joseph’s hand met his cock. Joseph rubbed up and down on Robert’s dick, making sure to squeeze a little at the tip. He played with Robert’s tip, sometimes bringing a nail over the tiny hole there.

“You’re so pretty,” Joseph said, licking up Robert’s neck. “Wanna come in me? You’ve been so good tonight.”

Robert’s response was a whine.

Joseph lay back on the bed, spreading his legs open and fingering himself a little with the lube on his hand. “C’mere. Do whatever you want, baby.”

Robert crawled over on his knees, slipping inside Joseph without a condom on. It felt no different, but it _meant_ more to him like this. Joseph said he could come _inside_ him and if that wasn’t love, Robert wasn’t sure what it was. Probably just simply an unhealthy sex practice, but Robert was still in that murky haze in his head and he didn’t want to come out of it. He rocked into Joseph, hellbent on making Joseph feel as good as Joseph made him feel. It was hard to keep a fast pace when he couldn’t hold onto Joseph’s thighs, but Robert made it work. Somehow needing to balance like this made him more aware of his cock. Joseph’s body was quivering around his. He was gasping, his fingers holding onto the rope on Robert’s tummy, pulling him deeper and deeper each time Robert thrusted.

“I’m gonna—oh fuck—ohfuckfuckfuck!” Joseph arched up, his body splurting come over his abdomen and chest. He pulled Robert down, kissing him forcefully. Stubble, teeth and tongues clashed. Robert tried to keep thrusting but it was hard when he couldn’t hold on. Joseph moved them so they were both on their sides. This was easier. Robert could roll his body up better and he liked watching the way Joseph’s eyes struggled to stay open each time he was inside him deep.

“You mean everything to me,” Joseph said.

Robert could come untouched if Joseph just said that over and over.

Joseph kissed Robert’s eyes, his nose and his chin. He laughed, rocking with Robert. “Come in me. Please, I wanna know what it feels like with you. Come baby, please, please come.”

Robert obeyed. He would always obey Joseph. Robert closed his eyes, pressing his forehead to Joseph’s as he shivered through his orgasm. He groaned, the sound too coarse from only hearing Joseph’s silken voice. He shut himself up with a greedy kiss and Joseph slipped his tongue into Robert’s mouth. They stayed there, slowly thrusting, both clearly exhausted. Robert’s arms were going numb.

“Feels—weird,” was Robert’s oh-so-intelligent comment.

“I need to get you out of those.” Joseph slipped away, gasping.

Robert’s eyes widened. Abruptly, he wasn’t floating anymore. He was acutely aware of Joseph and the discomfort he felt from the rope now, but the pain wasn’t anything compared to the concern Robert had for Joseph.

Joseph laughed, cupping Robert’s face. “It’s okay. I’m fine. Just—your come is—slipping out of me.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

And then they both laughed. Robert hadn’t laughed so fully in a long time. He kept chuckling when Joseph undid the ropes and whispered under his breath how cute Robert was like this. Joseph kissed each spot where a knot had pushed into the skin.

Robert was ready to get up and shower but Joseph pulled him back to the bed. “No.”

“What? I’m filthy. And that’s sayin’ something comin’ from me.”

“We need to slowly work out the muscles and get blood back into your arms. Also I wanna make sure you’re good. You slipped into subspace.”

“Into what?”

Joseph chuckled, reaching for a bottle of aloe he’d brought over. Robert hadn’t really understood why he’d brought that at the start, but now he guessed he’d figured out why.

“Subspace is a thing that can happen when you’ve got a lot of endorphins floating around in you. It feels good but you can crash pretty hard afterwards. I wanna make sure you don’t crash.”

“So concerned for me.” Robert winked.

“Always.” Joseph massaged aloe into Robert’s wrist and elbows. “I’ll shower with you. I’m gonna stay for a bit, if that’s okay.”

“Why?” Robert had expected Joseph to come over, fuck him, and then leave before Mary became any wiser about it.

“I told you. I’m making sure you don’t crash.”

Robert stared, baffled that Joseph would risk this. Mary had to know where Joseph was right now. In fact, panic surged in Robert. If Mary knew, she could come over. If she came over, she’d see the marks on Robert’s skin. They’d be caught and Mary wouldn’t just get what she wanted, but she’d be devastated to see Robert had been lying to her.

“You really don’t need to stay. I’m fine.”

“Would you fucking shut up and let me take care of you?” Joseph’s voice was almost angered.

“Damn. Yes sir.”

Joseph laughed. “Okay. We’ll both drink some water and then get into the shower. _Then_ you’re gonna let me put more aloe on you again.”

“Again?”

“I don’t want your skin hurt, dummy.” He flicked Robert’s shoulder. “Let me dote on you.”

“I’m not complaining. I’m just—surprised. No one’s ever—doted—on me.”

Joseph frowned. He kissed Robert firm on the mouth and slipped into Robert’s lap. “I don’t usually tell you how much you mean to me, do I?”

Robert didn’t want to answer that. He knew how much he loved Joseph, but he had never been sure how much Joseph cared about him. The idea that Joseph loved him was preposterous. How could he? Robert was _him_. He was a drunk, he didn’t bathe, he hardly talked to people and when he did it was never anything serious. He joked more than he took life seriously and he wasn’t the easiest person to get along with.

Joseph brought Robert’s scarred hands to his lips, kissing the raised skin. “I love these hands.”

Robert stopped breathing.”

“I care so much about you, Robert. I never thought I could feel this way about anyone. I didn’t think I’d get the chance. But—I—well I care. A lot.”

“And I love you, Joseph.” Robert blurted out before he could find a reason to hide it away. Joseph’s eyes rounded, his pretty lips parting. He stared at Robert, frozen. Robert was already beginning to worry about how bad he’d just messed this up when Joseph curled his fingers into Robert’s hair and kissed him soft and slow. They stayed there, locked like that until both had to breathe again. Robert’s hands were tracing along Joseph’s hip bone and Joseph still had his fingers curled into Robert’s hair.

“I love you, too,” Joseph said. “Oh my God. God, it feels so good to say.”

Robert laughed. Elation filled him like helium. He shoved Joseph onto the bed, kissing, nuzzling and touching. He couldn’t stop laughing. Joseph laughed too, his hands just as exploring and his lips just as wanting. They whispered confessions of love against each other’s lips and into each other’s ears. It never failed to send jolts of electricity up Robert’s spine. He was spinning. Joseph Christiansen loved him? Robert Small? He pinched himself, just to be sure. Joseph had snorted at that.

“Shower with me,” Joseph said.

“I love you,” Robert said again.

“And I love you.”

* * *

And then Joseph didn't call, and Robert didn't know why.

* * *

When Hugo and Craig rammed the door in, Robert was barely conscious and half off his couch. Betsy was whimpering at his side, lapping at his hand. Craig rushed to get a glass of water and Hugo rushed to Robert’s side.

“Robert? Robert, you okay?” Hugo asked.

“Dwun’.” The word was heavy and Robert wasn’t sure his tongue could move enough to _really_ say the word.

“Drunk,” Craig said. “Here, drink this.”

Robert swatted the water away. He didn’t want to sober up. He wanted that hazy existence he’d had with Joseph a week ago. He knew it would end like this. Mary had clearly found out and in anger, she’d punished both Joseph and Robert. It was her right after all. She was Joseph’s _wife_. Or maybe Joseph had just been lying. How could anyone ever love Robert? He didn’t deserve it. And fucking a married man? God was punishing him, he knew it.

“We need to get you out of these clothes.” Hugo tapped Robert’s shoulder. “You’ve got vomit all over them.”

“No,” Robert said.

“Bro, please, let us take care of you.” Craig pouted, still holding the glass of water close to Robert.

_I’m not worth it._

“Please don’t make us get Brian. He will pick you up and tear your clothes off to get you into the shower.” Hugo smirked, hoping his threat was good. And while maybe to an ordinary person, that was a great threat, it wasn’t to Robert. The last time he’d been in his shower, he’d been with Joseph. They’d kissed and kissed and kissed. The water had gone cold before they’d gotten out of each other’s arms. They’d been prunes and none of that mattered because they just kept saying it. _I love you_. Over and over. But it was a lie. Of course it’d been a lie. In what world was Robert Small worthy of anyone’s love? He could hardly get his own daughter to love him. He deserved to be alone and unwanted. He never did anything unless it helped himself somehow. He was selfish to the core and this was his punishment. He’d die alone. God, he’d die alone. His biggest fear.

“Bro? You there? Hey! HEY!” Craig gently patted Robert’s face to bring him back to the present.

Robert looked up at Hugo and Craig. They were swimming around the room, but Robert was sure he was just still piss-ass drunk. He could see the sadness on Hugo’s face and the worry on Craig’s. He heard a baby and that sobered him up a bit. Craig’s kid was on one of the sofas, drooling everywhere. Robert smiled at her.

“There he is,” Hugo said. “C’mon, let’s get you up.”

Craig and Hugo helped Robert up into a proper sitting position on the sofa. They both wrinkled their noses at the stench of stale vomit but were good sports about it. Robert wondered what Joseph would think if he saw this. He’d probably scoff and never want to see Robert again. Robert wouldn’t blame him for walking away.

Gently, Craig lifted Robert’s shirt and Hugo brought over a warm washcloth and started wiping at Robert’s skin. Robert felt like a baby, but he was too drunk to fight them off. He tried, swatting and wiggling, but Craig’s muscles were large and Robert was basically a wet noodle right now, so he just stopped fighting it.

“We thought you were dead.” Craig’s eyes held enough sorrow to write a Shakespeare play.

“Hugo’s gotta’key.”

“I didn’t want to abuse that privilege. I wish I had now.”

“M’fine.” _Fine_. Code for slowly dying inside. “Joseph? Where’s he?”

“He's got family in town. They’ve been busy.” Hugo sighed, dropping the wash cloth. “You gonna shower or you gonna make me clean your ass too.”

“I’ll shower.”

In the shower, Robert debated the ramifications of having Joseph’s family in town. Objectively, he wondered if that was why Joseph went radio silent. Subjectively, Robert couldn’t get past the fact that he was unloveable. Maybe he’d said it too much. Maybe he’d scared Joseph away. After bathing, Robert put on some sweats and padded back into the living room. He felt a lot better, no longer sticky from drying vomit.

Craig stood from the couch, blushing. “We’re gonna stay today. It’s not that we don’t trust you but—”

Hugo cut Craig off and said, “You need help, Robert. Professional help.”

Robert’s eyes went wide, anger bubbling behind his sternum.

“Well—I was just gonna—” Craig shrugged, his face tight.

“What if the next time we come in and you’ve died from alcohol poisoning. You know you _can_ die from that right?” Hugo’s face flushed red. Robert had seen him ticked before, but this was different. There was anguish in his face. His body was tense and he looked like a rubberband about to snap. Hugo could handle problematic children and he’d been able to handle Robert for years now, but this seemed to be the breaking point. Robert was actually frightened.

“We love you, bro.”

There seemed to be a lot of _love_ going around. Too bad Robert wasn’t really in the  mood to believe it anymore. He’d been a fool to think a man like Joseph would ever love a man like Robert. Whatever. That was over now. It had to be. Robert would pine away for Joseph forever, but he’d never let himself be so foolish again.

“I’m alive and I’ll get help.” It was easier to just say he would instead of fight it.

“Good. Cause I’ve already registered you for outpatient rehab. If you’re good, you won’t have to be an inpatient. Also you need to go to AA meetings as part of the program.”

Robert groaned. “Oh c’mon!”

“This is serious, Robert! You could die!” Hugo huffed, slumping back. “I need you to take this seriously.”

“Fine. Just—I need you all to stop _talking_ to me right now. I’ve got shit in my head I need to work out.”

“You can talk to us, you know.” Craig offered a shy smile.

“I said I need quiet, Craig. But thanks.” Robert didn’t want to be cruel. Craig was nothing but positivity and believed in the best of people. He was always encouraging people to be better and keep striving for health. He was a nice dose of optimism, and Robert didn’t want to abuse Craig’s gentler nature.

They spent the day in the living room for the most part. Robert mostly napped. Hugo read and talked quietly to Craig. Craig kept his kid busy on the floor and played little games with her. It wasn’t a bad day, Robert thought. But it could’ve been better if Joseph had been there. He cringed, hating himself for how weak he was when it came to Joseph. No. That had to be done.

Val had been right. Robert should have been smart, but he wasn’t. He let his heart lead him around and now both it and his soul were chewed up and exhausted. Robert had a lot of shit to get together. He couldn’t add Joseph’s shit into that too. It was time he focused on himself. He needed to get better. He didn’t want to be the friend that everyone worried was dead or not. He didn’t want Hugo’s disapproving gaze or Craig’s hopeful smiles. He wanted everyone to be _normal_ with him. But that first had to start from Robert getting better. He had a long road ahead of him.

* * *

AA meetings were boring. Robert never talked. He introduced himself, admitted he was an alcoholic and moved on. People cried a lot at the meetings. They talked of destroyed families, lonely experiences and friends too ashamed of them. Robert didn’t want to admit how much he could relate to all of that. So he didn’t talk, because it was better to keep his walls up than let a bunch of strangers know he was just as sad as they were.

After the meetings, he often met with Hugo or Craig to talk about them. They usually celebrated at the Coffee Spoon and Mat would join them for a bit. He always gave them free coffee to, so that was nice.

Robert liked that he was doing this. He hated pouring out all his alcohol (and his secret reserves) with Hugo into the kitchen drain, but he felt more alive now. He actually got up at the right times, went to bed at the right times. He had a doctor at the rehab center to help him when he got the shakes. He promised Robert that the first two weeks would be the worst and to sleep with a fan on at night. Hugo was Robert’s emergency person should Robert ever need to go to the hospital and it was a position Hugo took very seriously. Robert had texted him a few times at various times of night to test how dedicated Hugo was. Hugo always responded within a minute.

After the first two weeks, Robert did believe the doctor. It had gotten easier. The urge to drink was always there, but it didn’t hurt as bad anymore. Joseph was still on his mind, sharper than ever though. Drinking helped him fog up and forget. Now he was faced with how devastated he was that Joseph wasn’t around in his life. It’d all just been meaningless to Joseph. Robert didn’t like how he felt when he thought of that. It cut into his skin, yanked at his fingernails and pushed into his eyes.

“Where is Joseph?” Robert asked Craig when he couldn’t take it anymore. “I haven’t even seen him around his house.” They sat in a park, watching Craig’s kids play on the swings. It was a nice enough day, warm with a breeze, but it wasn’t pretty enough to keep Robert from looking around for Joseph.

“He went on a boy scout trip with his boys.”

“Oh. For two weeks?” Robert felt stupid suddenly. The silence may have been because of that. But Joseph should have said something!

“Yup. I think it was some kind of survival thing? They packed pretty light.”

“Does he know I’m in rehab?” The desperation didn’t go unnoticed to Craig because his gaze narrowed and his lips pressed to a line.

“Yeah. Everyone knows. We’re all really proud of you.”

That was great, except Robert didn’t care what _everyone_ thought. He cared what _Joseph_ thought. “And Mary?”

“Mary thinks you’ll relapse. She’s—she’s not the nicest lady.” Craig straightened up, realization dawning on his face .”Oh! I mean, she’s a good friend to you, but—that was mean. She’s a good person. I think she’s just got anger issues. Or something. I’m sorry.”

Robert snorted. “S’fine.”

They went back to watching the girls on the swings. Robert sighed. It didn’t matter how much distance he put between himself and Joseph. Joseph was there in his mind. He knew he needed to focus on himself. He was in shambles and the idea of inviting someone into his life in such an intimate way was asking for trouble, but Robert didn’t want to be alone. And he loved Joseph. Shit. He didn’t know what the fuck he was going to do.

“Wanna come to my twins’ soccer game?” Craig asked.

“Yeah, sure.” Robert had nothing better to do other than sleep in his study and think about Joseph. May as well watch tiny girls hone their anger into something constructive.

* * *

When Robert saw Joseph again, he was slightly tanner, had a short beard covering his face, and a bandage wrapped around a hand. Robert gawked, staring from where he was washing his truck in the driveway.

Joseph looked his way, smiling and giving a wave with the injured hand. Chris and Christian were each by his side, holding their backpacks that were too large for them and staring with blank expressions. Robert didn’t expect them to sport any other kinds of expressions anyway.

Robert’s gaze trailed after Joseph as he walked up to the house and opened the door. He ushered his kids into the house and then turned for Robert. Heart slamming, skin sweating, Robert suddenly didn’t know what to do. Should he be angry? Joseph hadn’t said anything about his family visiting or the survival camp thing. Should he be glad to see Joseph? What was he supposed to be feeling? What he _was_ feeling, was enough anxiety to kill a small animal and the sun’s presence on a warm early autumn day.

“Hey, I heard about rehab. That’s really great Rob.” Joseph pulled Robert into a hug and held him tight. Robert couldn’t help but inhale at Joseph’s neck. He smelled like the outdoors and a little salty. Robert liked it when Joseph smelled more like a human—or like Robert. One or the other.

“Yeah well. Gotta fix myself somehow.” He turned back to his truck and pulled out one of the sponges to keep soaping it up.

“Need help? I haven’t showered in weeks. Unless you count the river bathing. It’d be nice to get a little soapy.”

Robert snorted, but he moved the bucket with his boot toward Joseph. “Help yourself.”

Joseph picked up the giant sponge and started cleaning the other side of the truck. Robert watched him for a moment, his gaze drifting to the way Joseph’s hips swayed a little in his ministrations. Robert wanted to punch himself. He had literally no chill when it came to Joseph. He was supposed to be focused on himself and healing. He was doing this for Val, for himself and for the people who loved him. But wasn’t Joseph on that list? Joseph had said he loved Robert. Was it real? Robert wasn’t even sure anymore. He went to the other side of the truck and continued soaping it up.

“How was the survival thing?” Robert asked. Small talk. _Small talk_. God, kill him.

“It was a little scary. I don’t think I could do it again honestly. I missed the luxuries of modern civilization and I felt like everything was going to eat us. But the kids had a blast, so that’s what’s important.” Joseph’s eyes softened and he paused on his side of the truck. “I’m sorry—for just leaving like that. I really didn’t mean to.”

“You could’ve texted me.” Robert wasn’t about to let Joseph just come sauntering over here with his _thighs_ and his pretty bearded face and suddenly all would be better. No, Robert deserved more than that. He deserved an explanation on _why_ Joseph just up and left. Stone-cold realization hit Robert. He thought he deserved more? Who the fuck was he and where did Robert Small go?

“I know. I—oh—I know. I know.” Joseph stared at the truck, brows furrowed.

“You havin’ an aneurysm over there?”

“No, I’m sorry. I just got—scared.”

Oh.

“You’re everything I’ve ever wanted and—I got scared. I can’t have you. Not really.” Joseph dropped the sponge back in the bucket. “S’all soaped up on this side.”

“Why can’t you have me?” Robert asked, moving to the other side of the truck. “Mary?”

“Yes.”

“I don’t understand why you stay. I love that woman, but you don’t love her the way she deserves and you’re both _miserable_. So leave her! What’re you afraid of? You’re an _adult_ , Joe!”

“I know that!” Joseph snapped. They both blinked in surprise as his voice echoed around them in the cul-de-sac.  

“It’s complicated, _Rob_.” Joseph sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. “I’m sorry. That was out of line.”

“Damn right it was.” Robert wanted to forgive him, and that was the problem. Joseph had the power to walk all over Robert, and Robert would forgive. But that’s not what it should be like. If the AA meetings taught Robert anything, it was that life was short and it _mattered_. They as people _mattered_. Robert couldn’t believe he was actually drinking the koolaid, but the meetings were right. He mattered and Joseph’s behavior wasn’t good enough anymore.

“I’m askin’ now, Joe. I said I’d be a secret until I asked. I’m now askin’.”

Joseph bit his lip. _God_ , the way he did that made Robert’s cheeks flush and his insides squirm. He wanted to take back everything he’d just said or thought and forget it ever happened. All he wanted was Joseph in his arms and this wasn’t how he’d get it. Two voices whispered inside Robert’s head. A voice that wanted to be nothing more than whatever Joseph wanted him as, and the one that sounded just like his AA therapist. They shouted in his mind, pulling him in one way or the other. He grit his teeth, doing his best to quiet his mind but it was _screaming_. He wanted Joseph. He wanted better for himself. He wanted Joseph… He wanted _better_ for himself.

God, God no—he was a piece of shit. What the hell was he doing thinking he deserved anything more than the cards he’d drawn already? He abandoned his kid, he nursed a bottle of whiskey most nights and he slept with a married man—a man that _belonged_ to his best fucking friend. No AA meeting or rehab center could cure that. Robert Small was not a good person. It was time he stopped pretending.

“You gonna answer me?” Robert crossed his arms, the soapy sponge in his hand getting suds on him.

Joseph opened his mouth several times, frowning. He looked up, eyes misty. “I—I don’t—I—”

Robert rolled his eyes. He threw his sponge down, listening to the water splash. “Of course. Fuck off, Christiansen. I’m no one’s toy.” Robert’s heart shattered slowly, piece by piece. He walked into the house, shooting one last look at Joseph. Part of him hoped that in the time it took him to walk away, Joseph realized how much Robert mattered to him. But when would God give Robert a happy ending? Joseph still stood there, tear stains on his face.

Robert closed the door, crumpled to the floor, and cried.

* * *

Anger did terrible things to Robert. It sat inside him, burning his insides, fueling urges that just a week ago, he would have ignored. He’d already knocked back three full glasses of whiskey and was well into his fourth. He glared at any person who looked his way, snarling when they looked like they may have ventured close. Mary sat across from him, the only person in the world right now he’d let close. In anger, Robert had come up with what he could only describe as revenge.

“When you want me to fuck your husband?” The words rang numb to Robert. He stared at his whiskey, tapping his fingers on the table. He wanted to punch something. Maybe even Joseph.

“I thought you were getting cold feet.” Mary smirked, tilting her head to the side.

“I’ve warmed them up.”

Mary laughed, tipping her wine glass back and downing its contents. She leaned on her hand, looking at Robert with mischievous eyes. “You two looked like you were having an argument the other day.”

“Yup.”

“And you think he’ll still fuck you?”

“He’s guilty. Bargaining power and all that.”

Mary barked out a laugh, pressing a palm to her chest. She signaled Neil for another wine and then turned back to Robert. “I’ve taught you so well.”

Robert tilted his glass Mary’s way before dipping his head back and letting the burn sear down his throat. Guilt tried to pluck at the backs of his eyes, but _fuck_ it. If everyone wanted him to be the _problem_ child, then he’d play the part. He was done getting his heart stomped on, he was done trying to be something he wasn’t. He’d had _enough_ of the world and its lies.

But then he thought back on the night Joseph had said he knew Robert was a good person. Robert had been so desperate to believe it, he’d almost fooled himself. Joke was on Joseph. Robert wasn’t a nice person, and he wouldn’t _be_ one ever again. Whatever Mary had planned, Robert wanted it to hurt Joseph, just like he’d been hurt. He cringed, thinking of how Joseph stammered all over his words when Robert had asked what Joseph would do. He’d never felt so _let down_ in his life. This was why he shouldn’t have messed with a married man. He got his head all screwed on wrong when he went and fell in love with him, and now he was paying the price.

“Go to the house tonight for all I care. Just make sure you get him in something compromising.” Mary leaned back, that predatory smile still on her face. “I think I’ll play around here for a bit before I come home anyway.” She looked around, obviously finding someone who caught her eye because she flipped her hair and scooted out of the booth.

Robert, full of alcohol and anger, shot out of the booth and walked through the bar with a purpose. His boots hit the ground heavy when he left the building, a little growl and a slap on the ass by Mary. Left to his own thoughts, Robert kept getting angrier and angrier. He fought with the idea that he did truly deserve to be loved, and that he didn’t deserve it at all. He thought of Joseph and Mary and their weird dedication to each other. He battled with wanting to be loved by Joseph and finding the strength to allow himself to not just be someone’s fucktoy. Robert _wasn’t_ a toy. He’d said that and he’d meant that. Hugo, Craig, Mat—all his friends filtered into his thoughts. He knew they’d be so disappointed in him for breaking his sobriety. He was a failure. That much was true about himself. He _knew_ himself better than anyone else, and why he even had kidded himself with AA was preposterous now. He used it as a way to forget about Joseph while Joseph was away. It’d been the biggest joke in Robert’s life. Him and an AA meeting? Please.

By the time he got to the Christiansen house, he was more pissed at himself than anyone else. He banged on the door, completely not caring if a child opened the door instead of his target. Oddly enough, Joseph appeared. He had bedhead, a shaved face, and wore sleepwear with his anchor tattoo proudly on display.

“Ro—”

Robert pushed into Joseph, claiming the man’s mouth with his own. He brought his arms up, holding Joseph in place and tangling his fingers into the man’s hair. He yanked just hard enough to arch Joseph’s neck as they pulled apart. He got in close and whispered, “Remember when I said I’d make you beg?”

“This is my house. Robert—wait!”

Robert didn’t wait. He grabbed Joseph’s hand, pulling the man along and together they ascended the stairs. Robert turned toward Joseph in the hall, and they kissed hard and sloppy. Joseph was warming up to the idea, his cock hardening in his soft sleeping pants. Robert curled his fingers around it, pulling just enough that Joseph let out a yelp.

In the bedroom—God— _Mary’s_ bedroom. Robert pushed Joseph to the bed. He got between the man’s legs, biting and kissing down Joseph’s body, lapping a tongue over a pink nipple. Joseph gasped, arching up into Robert. His fingers wound their way into Robert’s hair.

Robert was shaking. Either from the incredible sadness that plagued him or the anger that tried to keep afloat in his mind. He would ruin this tonight, because this was the only way he could get away. Joseph would feel guilty and whatever Mary wanted, she would get. It’d be a good end for her and that’s all that Robert should’ve concerned himself with. Except it wasn’t.

With each kiss and gasp, Robert remembered how much he loved Joseph. How many times the words tumbled from Joseph’s mouth too as they kissed in the shower a month ago. As much as Robert wanted a life with Joseph, he knew it’d never be. Joseph would never leave Mary and Robert—even though sometimes he didn’t believe it—did deserve something better. So this was his goodbye. He couldn’t trust himself not to fall back into Joseph’s arms if Joseph beckoned him, so he would sever the option entirely. If Joseph hated him after this, then so be it. It would be better this way.

Robert stripped Joseph, throwing the man’s ankles over his head. Robert wasted no time in getting at Joseph’s ass. He sucked at the rim, slipping his tongue inside.

Joseph gasped, his fingers tugging on the bed sheets.

Robert couldn’t breath from how hard he pressed his face to Joseph’s ass. He flattened his tongue inside Joseph, slipping it back and forth before letting it cling to the rim as he pulled out with a quiet _thwip._

Joseph smacked a hand over his mouth, mewling. Fuck, he was _mewling_. Robert wanted to record that sound, because this was the last time he’d ever hear it. He let Joseph’s legs down over his shoulders, holding Joseph’s hips up. He kept licking and sucking at Joseph’s rim, quickly coating a finger with saliva to push into Joseph.

Joseph bit down on his hand, moaning around it. Robert could feel the way he shook and squirmed, trying his best to get more and more—the greedy little bastard. When Robert dropped Joseph’s legs down, Joseph let out a pitchy whine. He was flushed red and panting, staring up at Robert with something that looked like fear.

_Maybe you shouldn’t let a man fuck you in your marriage bed, Joseph…_

Robert unzipped his pants, pulling his dick out. “Get over here and suck this.”

Joseph’s eyes widened, but he crawled over and did as he was told. It hurt more than it felt good. Robert couldn’t shake the anticipation of Mary entering the room. He couldn’t dismiss the sorrow that wailed from his heart as he abused Joseph’s trust and affection. He watched Joseph suck his cock, occasionally looking up at Robert with blown pupils and a worshipful expression.

Robert curled his fingers into Joseph’s hair, pushing and pulling Joseph’s head. He drilled into Joseph’s mouth, and like the champ Joseph was, he relaxed his jaw and kept his tongue steady. Robert fucked into Joseph’s mouth with unrelenting animosity. Joseph’s throat muscles gagged and squeezed around Robert’s cock. It should’ve felt good, but it didn’t. Robert tried to get out of his head—but he couldn’t.

He pushed Joseph back. He couldn’t do this anymore. It didn’t matter how badly he wanted to see Joseph punished or in Mary’s debt. Joseph had been a lover to him—once—maybe. Robert was never sure what they’d been but they’d said they _loved_ each other. A lover didn’t betray another like this, not on such a visceral level.

Robert collapsed to his knees. He pushed his fists into his eyes and let out a shaky breath.

“R-Robert? What’s wrong? Baby, tell me.”

“I have to go. Ma—”

The door opened. Blinding light flickered into the large bedroom and Mary stood there, a brow cocked and a hand on her hip.

“Really Joseph? In _our_ bed?”

Joseph’s mouth dropped open. Robert didn’t want to look to his eyes. He knew what they’d show. Robert hung his head, shoulders slumping forward.

“You knew?” Joseph whispered to Robert. “You _knew_ she was coming home?”

“Don’t talk to him, Joseph. You and I clearly have something we need to address. And we’re getting a new bed.”

Robert made the mistake of looking up. Tears filled Joseph’s blue eyes, his face splotchy and his lips still swollen from being rammed by Robert’s cock. Joseph looked to him and that’s when Robert went numb. It wasn’t just sadness that lay in Joseph’s eyes. Betrayal reflected Robert’s own face in those bright blues. Robert saw his own face, angry and disheveled. He stood up, zipping his pants.

Joseph curled in on himself, his eyes cast downward.

“Don’t you dare move, Joseph Christiansen.” Mary pointed a threatening finger the man’s way and then followed Robert out the door. She closed it and sighed, smiling. Robert didn’t feel like smiling. His heart had just been yanked out his throat and it was because of his own doing. “Thank you.”

“That really sucked, Mary,” Robert whispered.

“Well look at it this way. We’re finally even for when you fucked him because you wanted to.”

Robert’s mouth dropped open.

“Don’t look at me like that. Go home, Robert. I’ll take it from here.”

So Robert did.

* * *

When Robert was pulling out of his driveway to catch a plane, he saw Joseph and his family. Joseph looked worn, his lips pulled down at the corners. Mary was unreadable, but she held her husband’s hand. It was Sunday. Joseph wore his minister’s clothing. He helped Crish into the car seat before looking Robert’s way.

Robert wasn’t sure he could see him in the truck or not, but he still averted his eyes. He looked up again when the Christiansen’s car drove on by. Joseph did look Robert’s way this time, a blank dead sort of stare. Robert’s insides knotted up. Instead of turning left for the airport, Robert turned right toward the church. He could catch another flight. Morbid curiosity plagued him and he was a sucker for it.

He filtered into the church, staying closer to the back. Hugo and his kid were there too, but he declined sitting with them. Hugo said he’d been proud of Robert and Robert had to pretend like he didn’t just get drunk the night before and damn a man in his own bed.

Joseph’s sermon wasn’t _right_. Robert saw how people whispered to each other. _Perhaps he’s sick?_ Big purple bags were under Joseph’s eyes. He moved slowly, spoke quietly and the words that tumbled from his mouth weren’t joyous. They spoke of sorrow and regret. _Regret_ , at least Mary had been right in her assumptions. Now she’d get whatever she wanted and life would move on. Robert would heal from this and find someone who was semi-decent looking with as bad of habits as himself and they’d eventually die too early from said bad habits. Robert never expected himself to grow old. He was astonished he’d made it into his forties.

After it was all over, Robert felt a hand on his shoulder. He’d taken a quick detour to the bathrooms before he’d get into his truck and finally head to the airport. He turned to see Joseph. Shock filtered into Robert’s face, his throat running dry.

“Did you do it to punish me?” Joseph asked.

“What?”

“I know what you did. Mary and I talked about it.”

Robert averted his gaze. He didn’t know how to answer such a simple question. In hindsight, it had been stupid to come here. This was Joseph’s church and now Robert was faced with a conversation he was vastly unprepared for.

“I told her everything, Robert. She was—shocked—actually.”

“What?” Robert’s whole body seized, a painful shrilling tremble crawling up his spine.

“That we were seeing each other. I thought it was all part of your plan to—to win.”

“To—win?” Robert’s throat was chalky. He tried to swallow but his tongue felt too big for his mouth.

“Did you ever love me?” Tears welled in Joseph’s eyes, pulling the crystal blue coloring out under the harsh light in the church hallway. “Was this really all just some sick game to get back at me?” Joseph furrowed his brow, staring at Robert’s chest. “Sure, let’s set up the closeted minister. He’s a bastard anyway.” Tears spilled over his cheeks.

Robert knew he was a shitty person. What he didn’t know, was _how_ shitty. In that moment, watching the tears stream from Joseph’s eyes, unable to speak or even move, that’s when he was able to put a qualifier on it. He wasn’t just _shitty_. He was despicable. A demon come to prey upon a confused, sad, _sad_ man.

“I _know_ I’m horrible,” Joseph kept saying. “What I was mistaken on was how good I thought you were. And I thought you—that you could really love me.”

Robert wanted to die. He remembered his thoughts in the woods so long ago. If he was good at anything, it was pushing away anything and everything he could ever want. Here it was, coming to fruition. Joseph would never again kiss him. There’d be no breathy giggles or toe touching under the warm blankets. No more nose nuzzles or shy kisses. Robert had really done it this time. He said it was to protect himself, and yes it was. It wasn’t fair to Mary or Joseph. It wasn’t fair to Robert either. But how he did it was the _worst_ way in the history of stupid decisions.

Joseph pushed his palms into his eyes, inhaling a shaky breath. “Don’t ever come back here. Please.”

Mary stepped into the end of the hall, crossing her arms. She wasn’t smirking. She looked at Robert with a blank gaze, lips a perfect line.

Joseph hid his face as he moved from Robert, sniffling and moving past his wife. Robert swallowed hard, looking at Mary.

“You’re a liar,” she said.

Robert opened his mouth, but too many words and too many defenses came to the forefront. He couldn’t figure out which to choose. Jumbled, he made some kind of sound and went quiet.

“You told him you _loved_ him!” She stepped closer, brow crinkling and lips curled in a snarl. “ _Loved_ him!” She smacked Robert. He felt the sting explode on his face but he didn’t do anything to sooth the pain. He stared at the floor, wishing it would just swallow him. He was done. He’d hurt the two people he loved the most all because he couldn’t decide what kind of man he was. But that should’ve never been the question. He’d been so swept up in what _others_ expected that he never did anything for what _he_ expected. He never asked what kind of man _he_ wanted to be. This guy? The one standing before his best friend in silence and despair? This wasn’t the man Robert Small wanted to be.

“Did you mean it?” Mary asked.

Robert looked up, confusion clouding his features.

“When you told my husband you loved him, did you mean it?”

Robert nodded slowly. “I’m sorry, Mary.”

Mary scrunched up her face, crossing her arms. She sighed heavily, looking to the ceiling. After a beat, Mary grabbed Robert’s wrist and pulled him out one of the side doors into the courtyard. She dragged him to a bench and sat down.

“You should’ve told me, you know.”

“How could I?” Robert bit his lip. “I mean, he’s your husband.”

“And he will never love me the way he loved you.”

Hearing _loved_ hurt. It made Robert’s whole body feel like it was dipped in ice water. He bit the inside of his cheek, cringing.

“If I had known you two were spouting love confessions, I would have never asked you to do what you did last night.”

“What?”

Mary shrugged. “I know that my husband is unfaithful, but it’s not because he’s malicious or bored. He _can’t_ love me. I get angry when he fucks strange men because it’s meaningless. But you said you _loved_ him. And I love you. If I had known, this—this could’ve been so different.”

“What do you mean?”

“Bargaining, remember?” She snorted. “Instead we really hurt him, Rob. I’ve never seen him so—inconsolable.”

Robert fought hard to fight the image, but a sobbing Joseph appeared in his mind, crying and alone in the dark. He hated himself. Putrid filth stained his bones, blotted his skin and blackened his soul. He hung his head, guilty and ashamed. He’d behaved so ruthlessly toward Joseph, shoving his dick in the man’s mouth and shoving him around. It was one thing when Joseph did it to Robert like that—Robert _liked_ those things, but he was sure Joseph didn’t. Joseph was a provider, a giver. Joseph may have only went along with it because it was Robert and he trusted him. Robert had betrayed that trust. Oh God, what had he done?

“I need to get pregnant,” Mary said.

Robert’s gaze snapped to Mary, eyes wide.

“Remember that whole questionable practice thing about my dad? He believes if Joseph and I don’t have a kid every few years, that we’re either using contraceptives or I’ve insulted my husband and thus have insulted God. It’s my responsibility to keep my husband happy and obey all his orders.” She sounded like she was quoting someone. Robert guessed it was her father. “I told you I fell in love with Joseph because he wouldn’t touch me? My father would beat me when I did something he didn’t like. He had a whipping room.”

Robert felt sick.

“Joseph protected me from that. He still does, but I guess we just—forgot what we were hiding from. I got angry. I was scared my dad would find out and with Joseph’s infidelity, the risks just got higher and higher. If my father finds out that he’s gay, he’ll somehow blame it on me. If we get a divorce, it’ll absolutely be my fault and—I can’t go back to that, Robert. Joseph proposed to me on a night where my lip was bleeding and I had a bruise over my eye. I was hideous.” She smiled, clutching her cross. “He proposed to me to protect me and we’ve both done terrible things to each other. We sort of—lost sight of why we came together in the first place. I held myself responsible for Joseph being gay because—well—my father would say it’s my fault and—it took me so long to stop believing that he was right. I was so angry, Robert.” She reached out, clutching Robert’s hand.

Robert looked away and to a window of the church. He swallowed hard, thinking about a younger Joseph, proposing to a woman who he wanted to save. They’d been friends first, so of course Joseph knew everything about Mary and her fear of her father. Joseph had done something so self-sacrificial, knowing full well what he was. Maybe he was trying to run away from it or deny it too, but he knew he could never be the man Mary wanted. But he’d been absolutely the man Mary had needed.

“We broke his heart, Robert.” Mary’s voice shook. “I’m such a fool.”

“No,” Robert whispered, “no you’re not a fool. You’re scared. People don’t—people don’t always think so good when they’re scared.”

Mary laughed, leaning her head on Robert’s shoulder. She patted Robert’s knee. “We have to fix this.”

“I don’t think I can,” Robert said. “I think he hates me.”

“No. He could never hate you. He can’t hate anyone, for that matter. He’s too good for that.”

“What happened last night? After I left?”

“I yelled at him. Got him as guilty as I could and then he spilled his love for you to me and that’s when I realized we’d made our mistake. That I—that I made a mistake. This is—my—mistake.”

“No it’s not. I lied to you.”

“That’s kind of you to try to take this away from me, but no. I shouldn’t have done this. But then if I hadn’t, you wouldn’t have tried and then he would still be fucking random men and—fuck. I don’t know. Maybe it’s good you lied. Maybe it’s good I tried this. I don’t know.” She hung her head, shrugging. “All I know is that I have to get pregnant and he has to do it. And he can hardly even look at me.”

“What would happen if you didn’t?” Robert knew crazy religious people, but by knowing, he knew _of_ them. He didn’t know how far one would go to blame his own daughter for using contraceptives? Why would it be seen that Mary had insulted her husband if she didn’t have more children? How many siblings did Mary have? Robert suddenly didn’t want to know. He only assumed that she had many if she had a father like this.

“He and my uncles will come to the house and yank me out to be punished. Doesn’t matter if Joseph objects. Women are designed to serve their husband and they are full of evil and sin.” There she went quoting someone else again. Her voice was bitter and her face sour. “The evil must be beaten out of them before they become witches or some shit like that. I used to believe all this too. I prayed more than I did anything else. When I accidently got horny as a child, I had my father whip me. Joseph—Joseph was the one to teach me that God loves everyone, no matter what they do or don’t do in life. I can’t believe I let my father cloud this. I should’ve protected Joseph like he’s protected me.”

“You’re scared.”

Mary shook her head. “No. I mean—yes but—I should’ve protected him instead of abandon him. He’s never abandoned me.”

Robert nodded, sucking at his teeth. He stared at his boots and Mary’s plain flats. She always wore drab clothing, usually colors like browns or blacks. She never wore anything bright or colorful like Joseph. Even in the hottest of days, she wore long sleeves and long skirts. She could run from her past, but she never escaped it. Of course that kind of fear would stay. Of course that kind of upbringing would cling to her skin and never let go. And Joseph had seen how she suffered and he’d done the only thing he could to save her. He cared about her, without a doubt he absolutely cared about her. He’d cared enough to grit his teeth and resign himself to a life where he’d never fall asleep with someone he loved the way he had loved Robert.

Robert had pegged Joseph all wrong. He wasn’t cruel. He wasn’t manipulative. He was a self-sacrificing man who loved so much that he gave up his own desires. Robert—was the _worst_ human being on the planet. He’d let Joseph think that their dates, their cuddles and kisses were all a lie. He’d stabbed Joseph in the back and Joseph, being the man he was, hadn’t even lashed out. He’d just stood before Robert and cried instead. How could Robert go back from that? How could he fix it?

“Mary,” Robert said through tears, “what do I do now?”

Mary was silent. She clicked her shoes on the pavement, lips pursed to the side.

Robert wanted to take the knife in his back pocket and carve out his heart and throw it at Joseph’s feet. He could apologize for a thousand years and it’d never be enough. He didn’t just betray Joseph—he’d completely and utterly destroyed him. Robert leaned forward, catching his tears with his palms as he crushed them to his eyes. He sniffed, trying to stop himself before he bawled. He hated when people cried. He never knew what to do or what to say. He wouldn’t do that to Mary. She had enough to worry about. She didn’t need to worry about the man who fucked her husband. Loved? Her husband?

“If you’d have known,” Robert ventured, “about me and Joseph. What would’ve you done differently?”

“Bargained in a different way. He could keep you if he got me pregnant every two years. Something stupid like that. Maybe three or four. Jesus, I don’t relish the idea of constant heartburn and puking but ya know. Born the wrong gender I guess.”

Robert wanted to kill Mary’s father. Hate was absolutely in Robert’s arsenal, and he hated that man.

“He could’ve—kept me.” The words rang hollow. Robert couldn’t completely understand their meaning. He pondered over them in his mind, seeing the letters form and swirl away. “Kept me.”

“It would’ve been a good idea,” Mary said, “he could get to be with someone I knew and trusted, so it wasn’t like my father would ever find out. I would get what I needed to keep safe and he could’ve loved you.”

“Could’ve.” Robert felt sick.

“I told you. I fucked up.”

“I fucked up,” Robert said. “I should’ve said something but I was so—scared.”

Mary smirked, nodding. “Because people don’t think so _well_ when scared?” Robert noticed the way she corrected what he’d said before. He laughed, nodding. “Yeah. I can understand that. I haven’t exactly been kind to Joseph or to any guy that I learned about with him. I think I’ve scared most of them away. Except you.” She nudged into his shoulder.

“Can I even make this right? I don’t—shit—I’m so sorry.”

“So tell him that. I’m not him.” Mary stood up, holding out her hand to Robert. “I didn’t know what was the truth last night. He said you told him you loved him and I—I said it wasn’t true. I thought you were—I’m so sorry, Robert.”

Robert couldn’t ignore the irony about _Mary_ apologizing to _him_. Joseph was her husband. Nevertheless, he took her hand and tried his best to put on a smile. “I’ll figure it out. Or not. It’ll either be okay or it won’t. That’s how life is.”

“Well. For what it’s worth, I want you happy. And I want him happy. So I hope it does work out.”

“Even though he’s your husband?”

Mary smirked, flicking Robert’s nose. “Especially because he’s my husband.”

Robert didn’t know what he was going to do, but he knew he had to do something. He left the church, and planned the ten thousand ways he could try to apologize while on the plane. He’d make this right. If Joseph warranted anything in life, it was to be happy. And if that happiness was no longer with Robert, Robert would accept that. So he had a plan. He’d apologize and then the rest would be up to Joseph. Robert would accept the consequences.

* * *

Joseph was at the park when Robert saw him next. It’d been a few weeks since the night Mary executed her plan. Robert couldn’t help but be curious if Joseph had fucked Mary yet. He could’ve probably asked Mary but the thought hadn’t crossed Robert’s mind until he saw Joseph sitting on the bench, watching his kids play on the playground. He looked tired. And he wasn’t wearing the blue sweater.

Robert didn’t expect that to cut him so badly, but it did. It _hurt_ to see Joseph there, no smile on his face and no blue sweater wrapped around his shoulders. He looked so small, even though Robert knew he was absolutely broad and thick with muscle. The sun didn’t shine off his sallow skin and when his kids yelled for him to watch them, his smiles looked more like a grimace when he praised whatever feat they did.

Joseph was heartbroken and it was Robert’s fault.

Robert sat next to Joseph on the park bench. Joseph stiffened, but he didn’t walk away or move to another bench. He clenched his hands into fists and stayed silent.

“I owe you an apology.”

Joseph grit his teeth.

“I do love you. I know what I did was, well, it’s unforgivable. I’m not here to ask for forgiveness or anything. I just—I’m sorry I hurt you.”

“You love me.” The words were flatly spoken, Joseph’s gaze still on his kids. “How could you do that to someone you love?”

“I—I was angry. I didn’t know about Mary or her family and I just saw this man— _stuck_ in a marriage he was miserable in and a woman who seemed to hate her husband. I thought I could fix it or, or something. I thought you’d—leave her.” Robert hated how foolish he sounded. Hearing the words, knowing what he knew, it was all so pathetic. “So I was angry when you picked her over me.”

Joseph sighed, looking away from where he’d been focused. His hands were still balled up and his shoulders tense. He looked like he’d move at any moment and leave. Robert wouldn’t blame him.

“You understand now though? Why I’ll never leave my wife.”

“Yeah.” Robert bit the inside of his cheek, looking at his boots. “You’re a good man.”

“And you’re not.” Joseph sat back, crossing his arms. “Whether you thought I was a closeted man in a loveless marriage or whether you knew what was really happening, you still chose to hurt me. I can forgive a lot of things, and I may even forgive you but—you really hurt me.” Joseph turned and looked Robert in the face. Up close, Robert could see his gaunt cheeks, the bags under his eyes. His eyes were pink and the rims red. He looked like a man who’d spent most of his night crying instead of sleeping. Robert probably wasn’t too far off. “I trusted you, Robert. I know what I did was wrong too, but I would have _never_ done what you did. You wanted to hurt me and that’s—that’s horrifying.”

Robert hadn’t come for forgiveness. He knew he had to apologize and accept the consequences, but to feel the severity of their weight, it was almost too much. Robert had never wanted to kiss Joseph so badly. He wanted to grovel at the man’s feet and beg and beg and beg. Distantly, he wanted to know about how Joseph felt in regard to Mary’s plot for the whole ordeal, but he knew what Mary had done and what Robert had done were two different things. Mary’s was an act of desperation and fear. Robert’s act was because he was angry and wanted revenge. Robert couldn’t hold a candle to Mary.

“I’ll go,” Robert said, “but I really did love you, Joseph. I’m so sorry.”

“And I forgive you,” Joseph said quickly, “but it’s absolutely best that you go. I don’t want to cry in front of my children.”

* * *

Robert had confessed the entire ordeal to Mat, Hugo, and Craig. They’d sworn themselves to secrecy of course, but pushed Robert harder for the AA meetings and outpatient rehab. Robert had even completed his two month milestone by the time Halloween came around. Losing Joseph was one of the biggest lessons of Robert’s life. In losing someone so good, Robert realized he never wanted to be the villain in someone’s story ever again. He called Val once a week, he attended Ernest’s wrestling matches with Hugo, and he helped Craig with his girls and their fall gymnastics and dance classes. Robert liked being the guy with the beat up truck who got to haul the girls around after a competition to celebrate with ice cream. Val had even flown in for one of the competitions and celebrated with the girls.

Mary and Robert didn’t meet at the Jim N Kim anymore. They met for coffee at Mat’s shop instead. “I don’t think I’ll go back to Jim N Kim’s,” she had said, “it doesn’t feel right anymore.”

Robert had been given these months to work on himself, and he never took them for granted. Every time he saw Joseph, he was reminded of how low he’d sunk. Joseph never smiled his way. In the grocery, he’d avoid the aisles Robert was in (because Robert went grocery shopping now), and he never invited Robert to any of his grill outs. Robert hated that all his friends got together at Joseph’s parties and he was left alone. It was hardest not to turn to drinking on those nights. Still, Robert used the moment he hit rock bottom as a chance to stand up again. He was doing pretty well honestly.

Halloween used to be a fun night for Robert. He’d go out, get drunk and then spook himself walking through the woods hunting for cryptids. Tonight though, he’d go to Hugo’s and help pass out candy. He slicked his hair back, wore a white shirt and his leather jacket as a costume. When he arrived at Hugo’s, Ernest was already outside with Hugo getting a lecture about cherry bombs and why they’re not acceptable.

“Where’s your costume?” Hugo asked. He was wearing an apple costume. That was a little too on the nose for Robert’s taste.

“I’m in it. I’m a greaser.”

“Ah! The Outsiders!” Hugo smiled in approval. He had two bowls of candy on the porch by the chairs. “Pop a squat. And Ernest, I mean it. If I have to go to the police station to get you tonight, you’re sleeping there till morning.”

Ernest grumbled something under his breath, but then he was off down the street with a group of kids his age.

“Cherry bombs?”

“Caught him with them in his room. Sometimes I can’t believe that kid.” Hugo sighed, picking up a candy and eating it. “How’re you?”

“I’m fine.” Robert hated that everyone was always asking him how he was. He was sober and grumpy, that didn’t seem to ever change and he got tired of telling people that, so _fine_ it was.

“You’re a liar.”

“I’ll survive.”

The clock turned six and then the children were all coming out of the houses with their parents on the quest for candy. No one understood Robert’s costume, except one lady who thought he was supposed to be John Travolta from Grease. Close enough, at least. The night was surprisingly nice though. Kids were behaved, parents were nice. Hugo and Robert talked about inconsequential things that got Robert’s mind off the colossal fuckup he’d become.

Then Joseph appeared with his children. He and Robert stared at each other, both sporting looks of anguish. Hugo stood up, bringing candy out to Joseph and his kids. Robert looked away, feeling guilty for even being there. Of course Joseph would take his children out for trick-or-treat.

Joseph thanked Hugo and walked up the walkway to Robert. He stopped before the porch, offering an unsure and mostly painful looking smile.

Robert tried to smile back.

“Mary’s pregnant,” Joseph said. “Thought you’d want to know your plan succeeded.”

Robert didn’t know how to respond to that. He wasn’t sure if it was meant to be an insult or just a statement of fact. He kept quiet, nodding.

“Happy Halloween.”

That had been the first time in two months that Joseph had spoken to Robert. All Robert could think about was how beautiful Joseph looked with the soft glow of the jack-o-lanterns’ light and how despite the time that had passed, he was still utterly in love with Joseph Christiansen.

* * *

If someone had told Robert that he’d try to bake a cake for someone, he would have told them to piss off. Flour and sugar donned the floors and every crack of his kitchen—probably his actual asscrack too. Frosting was matted into his hair and he wasn’t sure if he could hide the crumbled parts of the cake where he’d smeared the icing on too roughly, but he’d somehow managed to pull off a cake. It was a beaten up, lopsided, probably tasted like shit cake, but it was a cake. Across the top of it read: I’m sorry I’m a shithole.

Robert had meant to leave it at shit but then the T just kind of kept going and he needed to make it look right. He picked up the cake, careful not to let it fall to the floor. After the hours of slaving over it, that would be the absolute worst thing to happen to Robert in his many years. He hadn’t seen Joseph since Halloween. It was closer to Thanksgiving now and with the madness of the holidays coming up, Robert just felt it made sense to try to apologize again. He knew Joseph said he forgave him, but Robert couldn’t live without Joseph in his life anymore. He’d tried. Robert did well enough, he had friends, he played weekly poker with Damien, Craig and Brian. He continued to meet Mary at the Coffee Spoon and would chat with Mat too. Mat, Craig and Hugo still were the only ones who knew the secret Robert kept. He’d have them over frequently. He’d been sober since starting up AA for the second time. Losing Joseph had been good in one way. It got Robert to force himself to remember what it was like to take care of himself. He hadn’t had another human life in his head to worry about. Now though, now Robert felt ready to have that again. If it wasn’t with Joseph, that would suck—but maybe it’d eventually be okay. But he had to at least try. Mary said Joseph didn’t hate people, so selfishly, Robert was hoping this would work in his favor.

Robert took his cake over to Joseph’s house. He knocked with his boot on the door because he couldn’t use his hands. His heart was racing, sweat clinging to the sides of his face. He shifted uncomfortably. Joseph opened the door, his tired blue eyes dull. He had Crish on his hip. He looked like he’d been screaming and crying not but a few minutes ago. There was still snot and tear stains on his tiny, chubby face.

“Hey,” Robert said. Smooth, Robert. Smooth.

Joseph looked at the cake and then up to Robert, a small smile at the corner of his mouth. “That’s a bad word and my kids can read. Well—not this one.”

“Oh, Right. I’m such—fuck. I mean—fuck—wait! Frag? Fudge?”

Joseph chuckled, moving Crish to the other hip. He reached out a finger, smudging the words and bringing the icing to his lips to taste. He winced, popping his finger out of his mouth. “Sweet.”

“I—I tried to follow the directions.” Robert looked away, blushing and feeling utterly like a failure. How the fuck did people bake anyway? He read the directions too! What else did it take?!

“Have you tried it yet?” Joseph asked.

Robert startled, eyes wide. He’d expected Joseph to maybe take the cake and slam the door, or worse, take the cake and slam it into Robert’s face.

“I’ve got milk. We could each have a piece and—catch up?”

“Joseph…”

Joseph stepped out of the doorway and let Robert inside. Robert followed the other man into the kitchen, taking note of the absolute _mess_ the house was. Toys, shirts, hell—even adult clothing—were everywhere. The kitchen wasn’t any better. Dishes were piled high in the sink and the garbage was overflowing. Robert’s house was spotless compared to this.

“Sorry it’s—it’s a mess.” Joseph put Crish down, and smiled as the kid crawled over to some toys near the breakfast nook. “I’ve been distracted.”

“Yeah,” Robert said, “me too.”

Joseph poured two milk glasses and served up the cake. He didn’t comment when crumbs dribbled too easily off the pieces. Robert winced. He knew it was going to be too dry. Maybe he’d set the oven too high?

Joseph popped a bite into his mouth and then he was laughing, running over to the sink and spitting the cake out. Robert watched, horrified. He looked to his own piece and decided it was better to just tap out on this one.

“That is,” Joseph spit again, “the worst cake I’ve ever tasted.”

“Oh man, I’m sorry.” Robert’s shoulders slumped. Who had he been kidding anyway? He’d never mastered the art of the kitchen. Hugo and Joseph—guys like them made it all look so effortless. Everything seemed to be a struggle in Robert’s life, so of course this would be one too.

“It’s—it’s okay.” Joseph smiled before taking a large gulp of milk. “Actually—this is really good. It gives us a chance to talk.” Joseph motions with his head for Robert to follow him and together they go out into the backyard. The wind is chilly, but Robert’s leather jacket does the job. Joseph though, he crosses his bare arms over his chest. He’d just been wearing a polo shirt.

Robert felt panic set in. It started down in his feet, burning them to get them to move. Then his heart started racing, sweat building along his palms. Joseph was going to yell at him again, or maybe something worse. It’d been foolish to bring a cake over and try to pretend like they could move past what Robert had done. Nothing could bring him back from that kind of betrayal. It didn’t matter that he was suffering too, watching the love of his life stay in a loveless marriage. It didn’t matter that he’d been so _hurt_ that no matter what, he’d never be good enough. What mattered was that Joseph had needed trust and Robert hadn’t given it. Robert hung his head, prepared for the onslaught of insults.

“I’ve missed you in my life.”

Robert balked. His head snapped up and he stared, mouth wide and head oddly silent as it clung to Joseph’s words.

“I’ve done a lot of praying and I think—I think we can move past what happened. If you want.”

“I do.” Robert stepped forward, licking the side of his mouth. He realized his haste and froze, biting his lip instead.

Joseph laughed, nodding. “Yeah. I can’t feel sorry for myself. I was hurting you so much and I never stopped to think about what that was doing in your head. I handled myself so poorly.”

“Joe—no. _No_. I did. I was the jackass. I lied to both you and Mary.”

“It’s okay.” Joseph smiled a sparkling, toothy grin. “We all made mistakes. What matters is that we learn from them. So I have. I won’t ever hurt someone the way I hurt you. If I love someone, it’ll be full and with my whole self. I won’t hide it anymore.”

“Someone.” Robert’s body deflated like a balloon.

“I didn’t say that someone wasn’t you, Rob.” Joseph grabbed Robert’s hands, running his thumbs over Robert’s knuckles. “This’ll be messy and it may not even work but—Mary and I have talked about it. A lot. We want you in our life.”

“You do?”

“Absolutely. You mean so much to me. You fucked up, yeah. But—I did too? There’s really nothing we can do about the past except remember it and look to the future. I want you both in my life. Mary is my friend and I love her. But you’re—you’re my soulmate. I can’t lose that. I just needed time to work through it all.”

“Soulmate?” Robert’s tongue felt thick in his mouth.

“I think so. If you—still want me.” When Joseph looked away, his ears red, Robert wanted to bark out a laugh, not because he was happy but because he was astonished. How could Joseph think that there’d be a day Robert didn’t want him? “I think we still need to work through what happened, so—this isn’t just us forgetting it. Forgiving, yes. But not forgetting. I need to learn to trust you again. I’m not there yet but this—today was a good start.”

Robert nodded. That, he could absolutely respect. Joseph needed time to recover still, and Robert would be willing to do whatever it took to earn back the trust he’d lost. He’d made mistakes, but he was glad Joseph said that he had too. Robert didn’t like the idea of blaming Joseph, and he wouldn’t. But Robert did believe that every person involved had played a part in why things went the way they did. They all needed to move past it and grow from it.

“So where does that leave us?” Robert asked.

Joseph’s eyes widened for a second. He looked over at his pool—covered for the season. “I really don’t know. I don’t think it’s right to just pick up where we left off.”

“Yeah. Guess not.” Robert couldn’t hide the disappointment in his tone.

Joseph smirked, stepping close. He leaned in close to grab Robert’s lapels on his jacket. “I still love you, you big dummy.”

“Really?” Robert’s heart warmed his skin. He felt it stretch from the pits of his stomach, up into his face and down in his toes. It’d been cold out here, but now with Joseph so close, Robert couldn’t remember the bite in the air.

“I never stopped, Rob. I just got—heartbroken.” Joseph looked away, eyes downcast.

“I can never truly ever apologize for what I did to you,” Robert whispered. He reached up, caressing Joseph’s face with his thumb. He nearly moaned. It’d been so long since he’d touched Joseph’s smooth skin. He stroked his thumb back and forth over the cheekbone, mesmerized by how soft Joseph’s face was. “I wanted to hurt you, because you’d hurt me. But that was entirely wrong of me.”

“Selfish. Kinda like me.”

“You’re not selfish at all Joe. What you did for Mary—”

“What I did for Mary had an ulterior motive. I’ve been running from who I am all my life. Yes, of _course_ I wanted to help her. But I wanted to help myself too. I’m not a saint, Rob. I try to make others better people, that’s about it.”

“You’re still a good man.” Robert got closer. He could feel heat radiate from Joseph’s body. Their hips were close, close enough that Robert felt his dick throb.

“Maybe. Time’ll tell.” Joseph sighed. He cringed before moving away from Robert. From his posture, he’d been feeling exactly how Robert felt and the space between them _hurt_.

“I love you too, Joseph. I think I have since I first met you.”

Joseph smiled. His posture relaxed and he looked into the house. “I should get back to Crish. Gotta start dinner anyway. Thank you for the—uh—horrible cake. I guess I need to teach you how to bake, huh?”

“I’d love that.”

“Good.” Joseph shoved his hands into his pockets. Robert could tell he was cold from how his muscles quivered when the wind blew by them.

“Hey, Joe?”

Joseph cocked a brow.

“Mary’s—are you gonna name the kid after Christianity again? I mean like, I don’t mean to butt in but _seriously_?”

Joseph tossed his head back, laughing. He pressed his hand to his chest, eyes crinkling at the sides. He had to wipe a tear when he quieted down. “You wanna know why we do that?”

“Please. That’s a fucking life mystery right there.”

“We love our children so much. But it’s a tiny joke that only Mary and I really understand. Humans aren’t perfect. Our children will mess up. They’ll curse or steal candy or—maybe even worse things. Hell, the twins already do—weird shit.”

“You’re cussing so much.” Robert smirked.

“Hush it, Small,” Joseph laughed, “but yeah—people think Christianity seeks to make them perfect. You follow the rules, you pray and somehow you’re perfect. But that’s not how it works. That’s not how any religion works. It’s the imperfections that make the religion so much more beautiful. It’s the doubts or the sins. It’s when we mess up. That’s what makes us good Christians. We’re not perfect. But we try to be good. Sometimes we fail. Naming our children after our religion was us saying that it, like us, isn’t perfect. But that’s what made it more beautiful.”

“That doesn’t sound like a joke at all. That sounds—really beautiful—actually.”

Joseph blushed. The color swirled all the way from his ears to his throat. He scratched the back of his head, shrugging. “Well, that and we tried to figure out how many ways we could use it without repeating too much. We thought we were clever with Chris. Crish though—he may grow up to hate us for his name.”

“No one could ever hate you.”

Joseph flicked up his brows, shaking his head. “Believe me. There are a lot of people who hate me.”

Robert frowned. He wanted to turn to those people, point back at Joseph and ask them why they thought a man like him deserved hatred. Instead, Robert opted to sigh and shove his hands into his pockets. It was starting to get colder out.

“We thought about Stian for the next kid. We may just name him or her after someone in the bible. We’ll figure it all out.”

“That’d be preferable.”

“Robert!” Joseph playfully smacked Robert on the chest. “Not your kid, not your opinion!” Joseph’s smile was still there, so Robert knew he didn’t mean any harm in the words.

“Stian, huh? I think that’s worse than Crish.”

“Get out of my house.” Joseph giggled, pulling open the sliding door and letting Robert back inside. “You’re such a brat.” Joseph walked Robert over to the front. He opened the door and let out a big sigh. It seemed to lift whatever weight that was holding Joseph down, because he moved with more ease now. His shoulders stood higher—eyes brighter.

“Can I kiss your cheek before I go?” Robert asked. He didn’t dare ask for more.

Joseph showed him his cheek and Robert pressed in, taking a deep breath of Joseph’s scent before moving away.

“Sorry the cake sucked.”

Joseph shrugged. “I’m not. It reminded me of why I love you so much.”

Robert paused in the doorway, contemplating the words. He’d started noticing a trend with Joseph. The man wasn’t all he seemed. There was always something more meaningful behind Joseph’s actions. Nothing on the surface meant what it truly meant. Robert wasn’t sure whether that terrified him or excited him. “Good. Maybe next time I’ll try to make cupcakes.”

“Please don’t. At least not without me.” Joseph kissed Robert’s cheek. He licked his lips, nodding. It looked to be more to himself than to Robert, so Robert didn’t question it. “I’ll see you later?”

“Yeah.”

* * *

“Are you sure this is a good idea, bro?” Craig was upside down on Robert’s bed, his head hanging off the foot of it. Robert was going through his closet, frantically trying to find something that smelled okay to wear.

“Let him make his own decisions, Craig,” Hugo said from the bedroom door. “All we can do is support him.”

“I am literally standing _right_ here.” Robert clenched his teeth. He’d had enough mother henning from them to last a lifetime. “And I don’t need your support. I don’t give a shit if you like what I’m doing with Joseph or not.”

Hugo blew a raspberry and rolled his eyes. Craig rolled over on the bed, squishing his cheeks with his palms as he watched Robert continue sniffing the clothes.

“Aren’t those clean?” Craig pointed to the clothes.

“Don’t judge me,” Robert sniffed another shirt, cringing, “sometimes I hang shit up just so I don’t have to do laundry.”

“Sweet manchego. You are a greaser.”

“Was that an insult? I can’t even tell.” Robert threw on a shirt and checked himself in the mirror. He hadn’t showered in a few days but fuck it. Joseph knew his lack of affinity for showers. At least his plaid shirt was clean enough.

“So wait—bro—you _hang_ up dirty laundry? Why not just shove it under a bed? I’d rather do that than han git up.”

Robert stared at Craig. Craig stared back at Robert. Hugo watched from the door, looking between them.

“That is a fantastic idea, Craig. I’ll do that from now on.” Robert went back to getting ready.

“Ugh! No! We do laundry!” Hugo came into the room and began picking up all the clothes Robert had dropped on the floor. “I’ll put this load in tonight, but you need to finish it when you get back.”

“Ha—you said load.” Robert sported the cheesiest grin he could. Hugo rolled his eyes, probably wishing he’d never met Robert. He’d sure have less stress if Robert wasn’t in his life all the damn time. But then again, that was all on Hugo. Hugo was the one who decided his best friend was Robert. Robert had been content to just pretend everyone hated him and the world would never be his friend. He didn’t mind though, having Hugo as a best friend. In terms of best friends, Hugo was probably one of the better ones.

“I’m leavin’ now,” Robert said as he moved from the room. Hugo and Craig followed him like the step-sisters in Cinderella, watching with curiosity for what would happen next. Robert just opened the front door and saluted at them. They didn’t follow him out, thankfully. He frowned when he realized he’d just left them in his house, but it really didn’t matter. Hugo had a key and Craig was just all over his bed. Maybe Craig was starting to be another best friend too. Robert smiled. He liked that, the idea of having more than one.

Joseph was already standing outside when Robert walked to his house. He wore a navy pullover and of course a pair of khakis. He smiled, waving lazily. Robert waved back. They didn’t hug or kiss when they got closer. Joseph just fell into step beside Robert and together they headed for the cemetery. Tonight they were going ghost hunting.

Joseph pulled out two flashlights from his backpack and handed one to Robert. He walked close, his gaze flicking from Robert to the ground.

“What?” Robert asked, “somethin’ on my face?”

“A cute nose.” Joseph reached up and pretended to grab it. Robert laughed, touching his nose. He’d never considered anything on him _cute_.

“Does Mary know we’re goin’ out?” Robert asked.

“Yeah. She’s completely on board with this. We’re serious, Robert. We want this to work out.”

“And what decides that?” Robert asked softly.

“You.” Joseph bumped his shoulder with Robert’s. “If you want this to work, then maybe it’ll work.”

“Why’s it up to me? I’m the one who fucked you over.”

Joseph got in front of Robert, grabbing his hands. He kissed Robert’s scars and then the tattoo that Robert liked to pretend didn’t exist. “I fucked with you first. We both owe the other some atonement.”

Robert bit the inside of his cheek. He kept walking, staring right ahead. “When we get to start fuckin’ again?”

Joseph chuckled under his breath. “Dunno. When it feels right.” He sighed, his brows knitting in and his lips pressing together. “I need to forget about how Mary walked in on us and how you reacted. I always think about it.”

“Joseph—”

“Don’t apologize. You already did and I already forgave. I know why you did it.” He took Robert’s hand again and kissed the knuckles. “Let’s go hunt ghosts.”

By 3AM, they were exhausted and completely ghost free. They were lying in the graveyard over newer plots, holding each other’s hand. Robert traced his thumb back and forth on Joseph’s hand. Joseph would breathe deep every now and then and close his eyes. They’d fall asleep out here like this. Robert didn’t think that’d be so bad, except it was cold.

“What do you think heaven is like?” Robert asked.

“Dunno.” Joseph didn’t open his eyes.

Robert leaned up, balancing on an elbow as he looked to Joseph. “Seriously? You’re a minister.”

“And that means I have all the answers? I’m human, Robert. I’m not an angel.”

“No you’re not with that mouth on ya.” Robert winked. Joseph elbowed him, smiling. “So do you think it’s all white gowns and harps?”

“I don’t think about it.” Joseph turned, looking up at Robert. “If I think about it, then I’m not living in the world God let me experience. It’s our job to think about now. We can worry about that later.”

“You’re not like any other minister I’ve ever met.”

“Oh? You’ve met many?”

“Well, no. I mean—sometimes I’m still blown away by how different you are compared to some Christians. You’re so much more relaxed.”

“Maybe that’s not a good thing.” Joseph turned to face Robert, mirroring his position.

“Maybe.”

“Do you love me?” Joseph asked.

“Yes.” Robert didn’t even have to think to respond. Joseph didn’t respond. He looked around the graveyard, his cheeks and lips pale from the cold. Hot chocolate was in order when the Coffee Spoon opened. Well, if they could make it that long. “Joseph, I—I love you a hell of a lot. I fucked up. I fucked up so bad.” Robert dropped back on the ground, looking up at the sky. “I’m not a good person.”

Joseph moved closer, putting his head on Robert’s chest. He sighed, slipping his hands into Robert’s leather jacket for warmth. They were ice against Robert’s skin. “You’re a person. Of course there’s good and bad in you. That’s what makes us human. I’m the same way. Maybe worse. You _are_ good, Rob. So you did something on impulse. I’ve been calculating my life since I could remember. I don’t just act. I plan. I planned to cheat on my wife. I planned on fucking you that night. I had a whole plan. You made one mistake. I’ve made a lifetime of them.”

Robert held Joseph, partly for warmth and partly to comfort him. He kissed Joseph’s head before nuzzling into his hair. “Don’t say that.”

“I don’t know if I deserve you,” Joseph said, “but I’m too selfish to let you go.”

“Please don’t let me go,” Robert whispered.

Joseph leaned up, staring down at Robert. Robert stared right back. He saw the way Joseph’s gaze dipped to his mouth and back up, it was a flicker, but Robert _knew_. A moment later, they were kissing. Joseph’s mouth was cold, his icy fingers almost unbearable. Robert kept kissing. He rolled his hips up, breathing loudly through his nose as he kissed. Joseph’s teeth bumped his, their foreheads smashed together. Hands wandered around chests and cupped necks. It was the best kiss Robert ever had. It didn’t fix them. That was a lifetime accomplishment, to look at each other and remember to do better. But it was a start. A damn good start.

And Robert was quite happy to start that journey.

* * *

**Epilogue**

Dishes were piled high next to the sink. Cupcake wrappers, brownie crumbles and tiny human fingerprints made with icing lined the cabinetry. Robert stood next to Joseph, placing the dishes into the dishwasher after Joseph rinsed them off. The kids were hyped up on sugar and tonight would be a _long_ night. Robert sighed, glad to have Val here as extra backup.

“Hey—slacker.” Joseph sprayed Robert with a tiny blast of water. Robert yelped and did his best to pretend to be scandalized, but honestly, he could go for a hose down. He was sure he was covered in Crish’s cupcake. The kid had smeared icing all over his face when he’d been holding him…

“Bros! Bros you’re gonna miss the fireworks!” Craig hopped around the kitchen in excitement. “New Years Eve! New Years Eve!” He slipped on a cupcake wrapper and caught himself just in time before face planting.

“Yeah, we’ll be out after this danger zone is cleaned.” Joseph smiled, shrugging. “Your girls good?”

“Oh yeah. They’ve got enough sugar in them to last through the fireworks. They’ll probably crash right after.”

“And your boyfriend? Or is it _bro_ friend?” Robert snorted, pleased smitten with his dumb joke. They’d gotten a new neighbor around Thanksgiving. Robert had been so caught up in his life that he hadn’t met the guy. He was an old college buddy of Craig’s and apparently that’s all it took for sparks to fly. Robert was happy though. Craig deserved someone to love. Everyone did. Robert didn’t care who a person was. Love was love and to experience it was the most amazing, life-changing event he could ever experience. He wanted it for everyone.

“Ha. Ha.” Craig crossed his arms over his chest. “Brofriend is kinda funny though. Can I steal that? He’ll find that _hilarious_.”

“Go for it, cowboy,” Robert said. Joseph chuckled, handing him a plate to put in the dishwasher.

Craig said a lazy _see ya outside_ and then Joseph and Robert were left alone again.

“You wanna just wait to get this all done? I don’t wanna make you miss the fireworks,” Joseph said. “Brian puts on one hell of a show. Remember last year?”

“I’m fine, Joey.”

Joseph blushed. It’d taken him a little to get used to the affectionate name, but Robert swore he only used it when he felt too content for words. They’d mostly used it in the bedroom, but right now, everything felt too good. Friends and family were outside. Joseph was by Robert’s side. Everything had started to turn around and Robert couldn’t have been more thankful.

“I love you.” Robert crowded against Joseph, pinning him between the sink and Robert’s body. He nipped down Joseph’s neck, picking the man up and catching a hungry kiss. Joseph yelped but his arms were around Robert’s neck and his fingers were threading into black strands of hair.

“I’m gonna tie you up _so_ pretty tonight,” Joseph whispered in Robert’s ear. He sucked at the lobe for emphasis, pulling it with his teeth. Robert shivered.

“Oh!”

Robert and Joseph turned around, seeing a wide-eyed Mary. Her belly was round, but not too much. She was only about four or five months pregnant. Robert kind of forgot which.

“Fuck, I’d been so startled to see someone in here that I completely missed my chance to record you two. Do you know how _hot_ it is to see Joseph try to get your pants off?”

“R-really?” Robert’s brows shot up his forehead. He knew Mary was perfectly fine with their little arrangement. She liked the extra help around the house and Robert was quickly becoming Christian’s favorite babysitter. After the night where Joseph, Robert and the kids fell asleep on the couch together, and Robert woke up surrounded by tiny arms and snoring mouths—well he finally realized that this could really work. Still, sometimes Robert’s guilt reared its head. Mary usually punched it back down, just like she was right now.

“Please,” she put her hand on her hip, “you’re both stupidly attractive men. I’m into it.” She winked, flicking her hair over her shoulder. “See you losers outside!”

Joseph laughed, dropping his head to Robert’s forehead. “I thank God for that woman every day.”

“Same.” Robert turned back to Joseph, smirking. “Absolutely same.”

“So—wanna just skip the fireworks and fuck to them instead? We can watch through the bedroom window. I’ll tie you up nice and close to it so if anyone looks up, they’ll see your pretty cock, all nice and hard for me.”

Robert moaned. “J-Jesus!”

“Shhh, no blasphemy in my house.” This time, Joseph picked Robert up. He carried him up the stairs and did exactly as he’d said. No one looked up their way of course. The fireworks were the other direction, but it was still sexier than hell when Joseph talked about putting Robert on display. Joseph _wanted_ to show Robert off. He introduced him as his boyfriend. He kissed him outside when Robert went to work and they held hands when taking the kids on walks. Robert didn’t know when it happened, but he’d found himself not just with Joseph anymore, but with the whole family. He’d become part of it, him and Val.

He fell asleep that night fucked out, exhausted, and loved. He was pretty sure it was going to be a _great_ new year.

-End

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would love to keep writing for Roseph, so if people have ideas or prompts, PLEASE throw them at me. I've got one in the works for halloween, but...that's for halloween.  
> Anyway, add me on tumblr if you enjoy Captain America too! [@buckmebxrnes>](http://buckmebxrnes.tumblr.com/)  
> Or if you like art, add my art only blog [@buckmebxrnes-art](http://buckmebxrnes-art.tumblr.com/)  
> Otherwise, I have a twitter too! [@ghostbuckster](https://twitter.com/ghostbuckster)


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